I know when you are in the middle of a nasty divorce after a bad marriage, “tying the knot” may appear more like wrapping a noose around your neck.
But please don’t give up on love altogether. We have all misjudged people before. WE HAVE ALL made mistakes.
The first job of anyone in this situation is self-forgiveness. Yes, I remember clearly how angry I felt towards my soon-to-be ex, but even more so towards myself. My intuition had been quite clear from the start: “This is NOT the man for you!” But me, in my infinite stubbornness, thought that he would improve or I would somehow make our marriage work. Now I believe, if you are thinking you are going to “make” your marriage work, you are WRONG!
First accept what you do have control over and what you don’t. This means letting go of the illusion that you can control any other person’s behavior except your own. Too many of us spend our lives trying to control those around us, and not enough time focused on what we do control about ourselves and our daily choices. Let go of the notion that you have control over your marriage or your spouse. For if you should succeed in “making” your spouse do anything, you’ll probably regret it later.
I have a much softer view of marriage now. I only imagine a partner who wants to be with me more than anything in the world, someone who swears that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. This is the new relationship I found after my own traumatic divorce.
However, this did not come about through mind control. It came to me one day after a few years of living alone, learning to love myself unconditionally, and deciding NO ONE would ever treat me with anything but respect again.
Decide against “making” your next marriage work. Decide instead to choose someone who treats you with respect and appreciation from the start. Life’s too short to stay in a crappy marriage and if you’re in one now, you certainly know it!
To quote Dr. Phil, “We teach people how to treat us. If we disrespect ourselves and our own needs, so will everyone else in our lives.”
The first step is in changing the way you treat yourself. If you feel angry or frustrated, this is an important message from within telling you that you no longer want to be around those who choose not to treat you with love and respect.
In relationships, you get what you are, and if you have changed and gained even the smallest degree of self love and respect, you will no longer be able to tolerate being spoken down to or treated badly. Be glad of these changes, and get away from those that don’t understand where you are headed now.
Don’t try to control others and don’t let them control you anymore. Just leave and move on to a whole new life full of self-love and appreciation.
I did back in 2001. It wasn’t easy, but it WAS the most important decision I ever made to improve my life.
Let’s face it. Being eternally angry at your ex is the great American pastime.
Have you ever considered all of the angry feelings we are surrounded by as half of all American adults break up their marriages, and then try to find a way to get back at each other? There’s a lot of ugliness out there, and it is all negative energy that is helping nobody get what they want out of life.
The only way to convert all of that negativity into something good is by first forgiving yourself for being human. As a human being you have made a mistake. Now you are ready to learn much more about who you are, to make certain you never make THAT mistake again.
Under your anger is boundless pain and frustration, and underneath all of that is a small child who made a bargain to be loved, appreciated and understood and now feels absolute betrayal. You trusted the wrong person with your heart, your dreams and your sense of self, and they bashed it to bits. What now?
A long period of grieving is in order. Do whatever it takes to love your Self now. Take long walks alone or with friends, get back into those hobbies you used to enjoy, get a loving pet or two who will show you boundless, abiding loyalty, and write in your journal about how unfair life can be at times. Listen to music and watch movies that help you believe in love again!
Get angry at your ex, but realize the sooner you find a way to forgive them, the sooner you will be ready to move on to a better life. Forgiveness can be such an empowering experience as you finally let go of the emotions of your past.
You gave your power away to someone who did not appreciate you. Perhaps they didn’t even have the potential to love at all. By forgiving them, you are ready to fully acknowledging how destructive they were to you and your self-respect.
Now it’s time to welcome back that positive, powerful person you were BEFORE the marriage and the divorce. Time to be YOU again!
Are you coming off a traumatic divorce or feeling utter disillusionment with love?
My new book: How to Believe in Love Again: Opening to forgiveness, trust, and your own inner wisdom can help you feel hopeful again!
This book is designed to help you become a private detective in service to your own self-awareness and development. If you wish to gather a deeper understanding of why you fear love so much, and then search out those experiences in your past that have kept you stuck in your old ways of perceiving love, this book can help.
Together we will explore those negative love experiences from your past where you lost your trust of others; those bad times which now sabotage your present faith that you might ever find love again.
It is only by first raising your awareness of sensitive areas around your own personal roadblocks like shame, trust, and forgiveness, and then creating new ways to work through past emotional obstacles, that you may access a healthier belief in all that love might have to offer you now.
I know. I have felt utter disillusionment with love. And yet I also knew deep inside that I was still determined to find it. So, using my extensive background in self-awareness and transpersonal counseling psychology, I decided to fight back. Using all of my strength and inner wisdom, I turned my situation around. Then one day I suddenly realized, I did believe in love again! A few months later, at age 49, I finally met the love of my life.
Trust me, this battle is not for the meek, but the rewards are so worth it! Don’t give up on yourself and finding the love you deserve!
It’s available in paper or Kindle format!