I say YES and this is how it works:
You get what you are in love
If you have done no work on yourself. If you are a selfish, self-absorbed soul who thinks everyone else is here to serve you, you will attract that exact same type of person.
I call this the “I want what I want, and I want it now!” personality. If you tend to act like a five year old, don’t be surprised that you continually run into others who are just as selfish as you are.
If you decide to work on yourself through self-help books, counseling, etc. you may find the quality of those you attract also improves. Relationships act like mirrors in our lives, reflecting back our true self. If you wonder how you are doing, just take a hard look at the types of individuals you are presently attracting into your life.
You may believe you have made great progress, and then find that you continue to attract selfish, unsavory souls. This means you have still more to learn about yourself and your own motives in love.
Perhaps you need to forgive yourself for past mistakes in love and trust yourself more, or learn how to listen more deeply to your own inner wisdom or intuition.
These were the lessons I needed to learn to finally attract a much more attractive version of love into my life. These are also the lessons I teach in my new book: How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom.
After a tough break up, divorce or some other difficult crisis in your life, you are naturally more open to looking at what’s wrong; how your life may not be working out quite the way you had hoped.
This is the perfect time to spend time considering how you might approach your life differently. Is it time to change your view of yourself, and thus change how you are seen by others?
But how can you risk trusting anyone enough to get a truly outside perspective? Finding a therapist you instinctively like, trust and feel comfortable working with is a good start.
Looking back to my own life before counseling (BC), I clearly remember how I felt about myself. I struggled every day to maintain my armor of invulnerability. I didn’t want to truly need anyone because that had led to extra pain in my past. I didn’t trust others because I felt no one could possibly understand me and my problems.
I also maintained the defensive stance that I was smarter than everyone else. I lived in my head, denying a colossal case of fear. I denied most of my feelings and lived in a world of boundless insecurity. No wonder I did not attract those who were open to a relationship full of love and trust.
Building your first truly trusting relationship with a good therapist is sometimes called “re-parenting.” The best outcome from the right therapeutic relationship will help you see yourself in a new way. It will also show you how you appear to others.
Counseling may be the only way for you to learn how to trust others again. Think of it as your first step towards building a positive relationship with yourself first, and then with others. I offer personal counseling for those who are ready to see themselves and others in a new light, and begin to live a life full of love, trust, and self-compassion.
Don’t miss my new book: How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom, where I discuss the search for self-respect, self-forgiveness and trust in depth.
Valentine’s Day can be tough when you’re older, recently divorced or widowed, and wondering what’s next. I know I felt pretty certain my “love life” was over when I divorced at 46. Then I lost my job a few years later.
Going only on my crazy desire to try something completely different, I started my own dating service.
There I spent months learning from hundreds of singles what it feels like to know that you are too young to give up on love, but also afraid that you may be too disillusioned to ever believe in love again. What I discovered is that there are quite a few of us who have lost our faith in love, and that included me.
So I got busy and figured out how to change. With my natural stubborn streak and a solid background in counseling psychology, I used decades of personal experience with love and disappointment to turn my attitude around. I first began to fully value my mysterious intuitive personal guidance system, and stopped interrupting it with more “rational” assessments. I also acknowledged how important it was for me to forgive myself for everything in my past.
Slowly I created a formula which included finding compassion and self-respect for where I was at. Then I found some creative ways to love myself into believing in love again. I saw that I felt afraid of love for many good reasons, so I began searching out those experiences in my past that were keeping me stuck in my old way of thinking. I began to focus on my own unique shame and trust issues, and then slowly forgave myself for past mistakes, utilizing cathartic techniques to change my beliefs about what love might have to offer me now.
I knew I was on the right track when I met the love of my life a few months later! Eight months after that fateful meeting I married again for keeps, and six years after that I completed my book: How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom.
Pick it up when you are ready to acknowledge that you have lost your faith in love, and getting it back it your highest priority!
Here I am six years into my own marriage, and I know some of you have been married much longer.
What is the secret to keeping love alive?
How do you keep getting excited about your husband all over again? How do you keep him excited about you, when half of the time you feel like there should be steam coming out of your ears? Or your mood is swinging in ways that even scare you at times? Not to mention hormonal changes with andropause and menopause that make romance much less likely to happen.
Should you simply give up on romance for this lifetime?
I say NO! Just because most of your conversations center around the kids, getting the bills paid, or appliance repairs now, doesn’t mean romance has disappeared completely. It just means that romance will require some effort on both of your parts. Just like when you have felt disillusioned with love before, you need to ask yourself:
“Do I still believe in the power of love to change my life?”
You are not disillusioned with love now, just with how routine your relationship has become over the years. Just because you have been married for years, doesn’t mean you don’t still have the same fears and intimacy issues you entered this relationship with. Is it worth it to you to work on yourself at this late date? Could you still believe in love?
The most basic theme of my book: How to Believe in LOVE Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust and Your Own Inner Wisdom, is to help you realize that you have a choice. You can make the decision to embark on your own journey back to self-love and self-acceptance. For what is life without love? Perhaps if you worked your way through my book WITH your life partner, the magic would return even better than before!
Whether married, divorced or single, self-love and self-respect is the source of all trust in others, closeness and true intimacy.
So here we go again. Another dumb article telling the statistical likelihood of you finding love this year.
Well, guess what, whether you find love is NOT ABOUT STATISTICS AT ALL! Don’t believe these ridiculous articles and please don’t be discouraged by them. Whether you find love has to do with YOU and, yes, attitude IS everything!
Whether you find love depends on whether you believe you are worthy, but more importantly it depends on whether you still believe in love. Perhaps you’ve been through a few really bad experiences with what you thought was love. Perhaps you have even been emotionally traumatized.
If you have, your rational mind will then automatically alert you when you reach the “DANGER ZONE” again. It may say, “Don’t believe this experience!” or “Don’t trust anyone ever again!” And it is mighty tough to find love when your rational mind is working against you every step of the way!
That’s why you need to spend some time forgiving yourself for past mistakes, give yourself some serious self-compassion, and then re-learn the ability to listen to your inner wisdom. Your intuition or inner wisdom is that part of you that can counteract the power of your strictly rational mind. Your inner wisdom may help you open to trusting others again.
This may all sound counter to your best interests, but it is actually quite difficult to find love when your own mind is working against you. I’m sure you are quite aware why you don’t believe in love anymore. Explore your own rationale for avoiding love. Question your motivations and find your own personal solutions to your lack of faith. And if you need some help or encouragement along the way, you might want to check out my new book.
I went from total disillusionment to the love of my life in six months at age 49. It wasn’t easy, but it was so worth it!