divorce in midlife

The journey back to self-acceptance

Dec 1, 2011 By midlifecrisisqueen in Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, Traumatized by love 1 Comment Tags: breaking up and forgiveness, breaking up is hard to do, Divorce and anger, divorce and disillusionment, divorce and finding love again, divorce and self-forgiveness, divorce and self-respect, divorce in midlife, forgive yourself, forgiving yourself, self-respect, the search for self-acceptance, what do you believe about yourself

Please enjoy a short excerpt from my new book How To Believe in Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust and Your Own Inner Wisdom.

No matter how hard one searched, one could not
find anyone in the universe more deserving of love
than oneself. ~Buddha

Who you are is not the problem – even though you may have heard that your whole life. This is about everything you’ve done right, not about what you’ve done wrong.

The more you believe in yourself, the better you perform in every part of your life. Our belief system equals our reality, and is a combinations of our ideas, thoughts, and experiences. These all combine to determine who we believe ourselves to be.

The journey back to believing in love again must begin with finding a new and much higher level of self-respect. The secret to letting go of all the hurt and betrayal you may have suffered in your past is the slow, gentle process of giving yourself heartfelt compassion for all you have endured at the hands of others.

At the time of my own separation and divorce, I needed to spend a few years first simply grieving the loss of the dream. We all have inside of us some dream of what a loving, positive relationship should look and feel like.

The end of any important relationship is traumatic. Even friendly divorces can be difficult. It may not even be about the end of a relationship that we found destructive and therefore needed to end. It may be about the loss of the dream of what love might have been, how it could have made our lives more bearable and more worthwhile.

When I was in the process of learning how to love myself after my own divorce, I found Gloria Steinem’s book Revolution from Within very useful. I especially enjoyed her idea of accessing your past self for a heart-to-heart talk.

She suggested imagining you are looking your past self in the eyes. How do you feel about her? What would you like to say to her now? I found Gloria’s words helpful when I looked back over my life and reflected on the sad, shy girl I used to be:

“She’s doing the best she can. She’s survived—and she’s trying so hard. Sometimes I wish I could go back and put my arms around her.”

I found these words to be soothingly cathartic.

The divorce rate and Boomers

Nov 18, 2011 By midlifecrisisqueen in Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, getting past your past, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box No Comments Tags: being single at the holidays, Christmas alone, divorce and finding love again, divorce in midlife, divorce rate among boomers, Silver Separations

Have you ever noticed how “the holidays” are a set-up for feeling bad about being single? All of those annoying commercials about family togetherness. They all make it look so great, while most of us have had quite different family experiences. In fact, that may be the reason why so many of us are single now.

The overall U.S. divorce rate has held steady or declined since the 1980s, but not so for those over 50. The divorce rate for boomers and older couples has more than doubled over the past three decades, and is expected to increase.

Traditional views and expectations of marriage and family have changed, due in large part to more education and employment opportunities for women. Those changes have allowed couples to end a marriage when a relationship has deteriorated, while previously social expectations or financial concerns often forced them to remain together.

For baby boomers, empty nest syndrome can wreak havoc on holy matrimony. Lack of interest and participation in activities other than their children, often creates a large void in a couple when the kids leave home.

Over the years, there have been lots of references to the “seven-year itch” — a presumption that a man’s or woman’s eyes may wander after too many years together. But could there be such a thing as a 30-year itch?

If a person got married fairly young, they are only in their mid-50s by the time the kids leave home. There is still time for other relationships if the marriage has become stale or withered. Parents often worry about how divorce will affect younger children, but what about the adult children? It’s only natural to think they are better equipped to handle the news.

BTW, in England they have a name for this Boomer divorce trend. They are calling it “Silver Separations.” Learn more about that here.

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