Christmas alone

Holiday Expectations and Reality

Dec 9, 2011 By Laura Lee Carter in Buy local - Fort Collins, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins writer, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: Christmas alone, emotional holidays, emotions around Christmas, holiday emotions, loneliness and Chistmas

The holidays are upon us. And with the holidays come many strong feelings, intensified by memories of Thanksgivings and Christmases past. Add into this mix your present relationships, and you may find yourself in some emotionally charged situations.

Remember, whatever feelings you are having about your closest relationships, get concentrated by the holidays. If you are feeling great love for your spouse, you may feel even more closeness during the holidays. If you are feeling ambivalence about your marriage before, don’t be surprised to feel increased uncertainty as you spend lots of time together.

On the other hand, many engagements are announced between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. Acute feelings emerge when we share our first family get-togethers. Think of all the emotion-packed memories you have of Christmas. Holidays raise expectations.

Of course, the holidays can also deepen feelings of loneliness and abandonment. If loved ones have been lost in the past year or we have sad memories of past holidays, these can serve to sabotage our enjoyment of the present moment.

Here are a few ways to become more aware of your unconscious holiday expectations and enjoy the present moment:

Before the holiday arrives, put some energy into improving communications within your family. Ask them what their expectations are of the upcoming time together.

Spend time journaling about past holidays. What rituals carry the deepest emotional meaning for you? Can you work these into your holiday plans?

Try not to bring up old, sore subjects at family get-togethers. Leave the past behind and accept your family and friends as they are.

Pretend you are an outside observer with your family. Keep your sense of humor and let insensitive comments roll off your back. Don’t take anything personally.

Plan an escape route. Just because you are home for a few days, doesn’t mean you have to spend every second together. Take a walk, go see a movie, meet with old friends in the area.

Try to let go of past disappointments and start from scratch this year. Bring yourself back to the present with the simple question: “What do I want to happen this year?” and do your best to create that reality.

The divorce rate and Boomers

Nov 18, 2011 By midlifecrisisqueen in Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, getting past your past, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box No Comments Tags: being single at the holidays, Christmas alone, divorce and finding love again, divorce in midlife, divorce rate among boomers, Silver Separations

Have you ever noticed how “the holidays” are a set-up for feeling bad about being single? All of those annoying commercials about family togetherness. They all make it look so great, while most of us have had quite different family experiences. In fact, that may be the reason why so many of us are single now.

The overall U.S. divorce rate has held steady or declined since the 1980s, but not so for those over 50. The divorce rate for boomers and older couples has more than doubled over the past three decades, and is expected to increase.

Traditional views and expectations of marriage and family have changed, due in large part to more education and employment opportunities for women. Those changes have allowed couples to end a marriage when a relationship has deteriorated, while previously social expectations or financial concerns often forced them to remain together.

For baby boomers, empty nest syndrome can wreak havoc on holy matrimony. Lack of interest and participation in activities other than their children, often creates a large void in a couple when the kids leave home.

Over the years, there have been lots of references to the “seven-year itch” — a presumption that a man’s or woman’s eyes may wander after too many years together. But could there be such a thing as a 30-year itch?

If a person got married fairly young, they are only in their mid-50s by the time the kids leave home. There is still time for other relationships if the marriage has become stale or withered. Parents often worry about how divorce will affect younger children, but what about the adult children? It’s only natural to think they are better equipped to handle the news.

BTW, in England they have a name for this Boomer divorce trend. They are calling it “Silver Separations.” Learn more about that here.

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