Traumatized by love

Tired of taking care of everyone but yourself?

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Boomer Lit, Buy local - Fort Collins, Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, Fort Collins writer, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Psychotherapy Northern Colorado, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-honesty and awareness, Self-respect and love, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: , , , , , ,

How’s that working for you?

As we age, we may get tired of taking care of everyone else,  and never getting our own needs met.  Can we learn how to be different?  Can we change?

Only if we’re ready for something different than the same old codependent routine, and finally ready to see life in a very different way.

The most common reason for “helping syndrome” is early childhood training which leads to gigantic feelings of inadequacy when we’re not helping others.  We feel we don’t deserve any of the good things in life just for being ourselves.  That would be selfish.  Instead we should be constantly helping others to earn the right to be admired and loved.  We feel fundamentally unworthy of love without first paying for it with care for those we “love.”

I know.  I spent years feeling inadequate unless I was “helping” everyone around me.  I now appreciate the saying:   “Codependents don’t make friends, they take hostages!” Oh boy, someone new to manipulate into needing me and loving me.  How can I convince them that their life will never be the same until they admit that they need me?

But let’s try a different approach now.  Try to image yourself as completely lovable and adequate just being the wonderful person you are right now.  Could others love you just the way you are?  Why should you have to prove to them you are worthy of their love?

Very scary stuff, huh?  No fooling anyone or manipulation involved.  And if they end up not liking you, so what?  There are millions of others out there who are mentally healthy enough to not want to be manipulated into codependency, masquerading as caring or love.

Now that you’ve taken care of others your whole life, isn’t it time to take care of your own needs for a change?  Isn’t it about time someone showed you how to save your own life?   It takes a lot of courage to admit that past patterns aren’t working and have never really worked.  Do you have the courage to ask for help this time?

You can change your life and finally start receiving love from those who have the ability to give it to you freely, no strings attached.  Please let me know if I can help.

To learn more about a brand new way of life, click here.

To gather wisdom to change your life, check out: Find Your Reason to be Here: The Search for Meaning in Midlife,  Midlife Magic: Becoming the person you are inside!, and the Midife Change Workbook.

Living in the past versus enjoying the present

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: , , ,

I noticed the Amazon summary about my book says:

“If you wish to gather a deeper understanding of why you fear love so much, and then search out those experiences in your past that have kept you feeling stuck for so long, this book can help.“ 

This would suggest that you must focus like a laser on your past experiences and how that experience made you feel, to begin to change how you feel about love today.

This is all true, but not the whole truth.  I have learned the hard way, that focusing for too long on past pain does not serve the purpose of believing love again.

Focusing on your past needs to be a temporary state of mind.  Focus on your past only long enough to understand how bad experiences like betrayal and abandonment make you re-experience traumatic childhood pain.

When a lover betrays you in the present, this often brings up major feelings of rejection from your past.  So you are not just experiencing the present rejection, but re-experiencing some terrible feelings from before.

It is essential that you understand this, because you can then begin to separate your present experience from your past.  When you were young and felt betrayed or abandoned, you could not defend against such rejection, but now you can.  You can defend with deep self-respect and love.  You can give yourself new compassion for all that has happened to you, and decide that it will never happen again!

Then you must let go of past pain to be able to truly live in the present.  The present is all there is for you.  Worrying about the past too much will keep you from enjoying anything today!

We are learning so many new things about how our brains work lately.  We now know that we make conscious or unconscious choices every day about what we focus on, and what we focus on grows.  It seems we have much more control over our brains than we ever thought possible.  We can now consciously choose a more positive perspective.

One skill I have been working on lately is the simple practice of living in the moment.  I say to myself:

“Everything is OK right now, and there is only right now.”

I find this very reassuring!

Betrayal…

By Laura Lee Carter in Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Lost love, Love and forgiveness, Love and tragedy, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, taking a risk for love, Traumatized by love 2 Comments Tags: , , ,

Once you have experienced the sting of betrayal, you will never forget…   As I finished reading the fine novel “The Paris Wife” by Paula McLain this morning, I re-experienced a time in my life 34 years ago when my lover made clear that he had chosen the company of a friend of mine over me.  The devastation I felt for years afterwards cannot be exaggerated.

I am afraid too many of us know that feeling, that fear, that wondering if we will ever trust anyone again.  Loneliness and sorrow took over my life.  Hadley, in “The Paris Wife” says, “My life was in shambles; how would I right myself?  How would I get through this?”  But most of us do somehow, by doing whatever comes next.

I clearly remember how low I felt, lower than I ever had, and found it almost impossible to rally.  I knew my only way out of this staggering depression was to complete my degree in library science and find a job elsewhere, so that is what I did.  I took the geographical cure and found my first professional job in Salt Lake City, where I ended up having the BEST group of friends ever!

I learned that life is often unfair, and even cruel.  I learned not to trust most men or women.  But in the end I learned no one you love is ever truly lost.  My lover at age 22 was fine and strong and weak and flawed, much like everyone else I have ever met.  We both went on to experience many more loves, but I like to believe “I got the very best of him.”

The journey back to self-acceptance

By Laura Lee Carter in Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love, Self-respect and love, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: , , ,

“No matter how hard one searched, one could not find anyone in the universe more deserving of love than oneself.”   – Buddha

Who you are, is not the problem – even though you may have heard this your whole life.  This is about everything you’ve done right.  Not about what you’ve done wrong.

The more you believe in yourself, the better you perform in every part of your life.  Our belief system equals our reality.

Our belief system is a combination of our ideas, thoughts and experiences.  These all combine to determine the person we believe our self to be.

The journey back to believing in love again, must begin with finding a new and much higher level of self-respect.   The secret to letting go of all of the hurt and betrayal you may have suffered in your past, is the slow, gentle process of giving yourself heart-felt compassion for all you have endured at the hands of others.

At the time of my own separation and divorce, I spent a few years first grieving the loss of the dream.  We all have some dream inside of what a loving, positive relationship should look and feel like.  The end of any important relationship is traumatic.  Even friendly divorces can be difficult.  It may be about the loss of the dream of what love might have been, how it could have made our life more bearable and more worthwhile.

A period of grief is definitely in order, before we can be ready to change enough to believe in love again.  After the grief we must find a way to forgive ourselves for misjudging the situation and choosing inappropriately.

What have you learned about how you are in relationships?  Did you trust your intuition or inner voice when you first met your last partner?  Will you listen next time?  Can you accept that you are only human and so will always make mistakes?  Are you fundamentally loveable in spite of this misstep?  Is there still love in your future?

This is an excerpt from my book:  “How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom.”

“Those who think they can, and those who think they cannot are BOTH right.”  – Henry Ford

Is chivalry dead?

By Laura Lee Carter in Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, Traumatized by love 4 Comments Tags: , , , ,

With Valentine’s Day coming right up, you may believe that you are on the hook for something expensive or fattening.  I know the merchandisers of America sure hope you believe that you need to go out and spend some big bucks to show how much you love your life partner.  Please don’t believe everything they tell you, or everything you think.

Last night my husband delivered a love poem to me, bringing me to tears in seconds.  He had obviously put much effort, care and pure love into his simple ballad.  But then, from the day we first met almost eight years ago at age 50, he has always had a way with both words and chivalry.  So what exactly is chivalry and, by the way, should it be dead?

Chivalry is defined by Dictionary.com as: “the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.”  The Free Dictionary adds to these qualities: “bravery, honor, and gallantry toward women.”

What do you think of “gallantry toward women?”  I was raised to expect no gallantry simply because I was a woman, but I have to say I rather enjoy being treated special, call it what you will.

Perhaps I feel this way because none of the men I knew when I was younger ever treated me in any way that I would call chivalrous.  Generally in college and in my twenties and thirties none of the college-educated men I knew did much of anything to make me feel that I mattered a whole lot to them.

Enter Mike at age 50.  We met through Match.com, the product of various divorces and other midlife crises.  Before we met, I did wonder a bit about the fact that he hadn’t finished college.  He instead received his education and training through the Navy.

But one thing I knew from the moment I met Mike, he had a unique style and a great appreciation of women.  Was it the way he first polished up his truck to come to meet me, and then brought me a large bouquet of flowers?  Whatever it was, I felt respected.  I even enjoyed the way he would make a special effort to open my car door first, before he got in himself.

Mike eventually told me his mother was a very special woman, and she had taught him to respect the many ways women make the world a better place.  How a man like this made it all the way to age 50 without a wife was a mystery to me, but I solved that problem quick!

I can only say I so appreciate feeling special, needed and loved every single day of the year, call it what you will!

Don’t miss the film “Beginners”

By Laura Lee Carter in Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Falling in love, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins writer, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Lost love, Love and forgiveness, Love and tragedy, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-honesty and awareness, Self-respect and love, taking a risk for love, Traumatized by love 2 Comments Tags: , , , ,

I have seen the film “Beginners” twice in the past 24 hours, and recommend it to all who desire, but fear love.

Beginners is about how we are all beginners when it comes to finding love again, and dying.  It’s about that voice in your head that says, “Things never work out,” and that other one that still believes in magic.  It’s about never giving up the hope that you will someday feel real, loved and lovable.  It is about the endless dance between hope and fear, and it’s also about not settling for less.

Beautifully constructed and filled with surprises, irony, and subtle humor, “Beginnings” tells the parallel story of Oliver, a graphic artist in his 40s, who wants to believe in love, but instead continues to write “The history of sadness.”

Oliver has recently watched his father die of cancer, a father who only embraced the fact that he was born gay at age 75, but did finally embrace everything in himself before he died.

This comedy/drama is really about how deeply funny and transformative life can be if you ever have the courage to risk embracing it fully.  It’s also about those who have spent a lifetime leaving relationships, because they “don’t believe it’s going to work… so I make sure it doesn’t.”  It’s about whether it is better to settle for a giraffe when you’ve been waiting your whole life to find a lion.

Most importantly, this film is about becoming real and authentic at some point in life:

“What is REAL?” asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day… “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.” 

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.  “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, or bit by bit?”  “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become.  It takes a long time.  That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. 

“Generally, by the time you are REAL, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are REAL you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand… once you are REAL, you cannot ever become unreal again.   It lasts for always.”    – Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

P.S. I’m going as Sigmund Freud to my very next costume party!

Happiness versus Crappiness

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Love and forgiveness, Love and tragedy, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love, Traumatized by love 3 Comments Tags: , ,

In case you feel like you are in the midst of a period of “crappiness,” I do know how you feel.

But I also know how important it is to fight that crappiness feeling.  How is that done?  Here’s how:

Remember first that whatever you focus on grows.  So what do you want to grow in your mind and emotions today?  Are things changing in your life in ways you don’t like?  Use these life-changing events to change your mind!

With unexpected life changes we are sometimes offered unique opportunities to see everything differently, causing us to question anew the entire plan we have laid out for our life.  Maybe we aren’t even aware that we have a plan, until something screws it up.  Sometimes just a scary birthday can help us open up to options we never dreamed of before.

Nothing is scarier than the daunting realization we have not even tried to live up to our full potential.  Sure we did what we were told and found some success in our endeavors.  Being “good” definitely has its rewards.  But do you ever spend time focused on all that you could have been, and then realize that none of that will ever happen?

If you are anything like me, all of these “details” can only be ignored so long.  In midlife we realize time will run out, and when it does, how will we feel as we look back on our lives?

One of the best things about being alive today is that we have a new perspective, we have more time after this realization, and we have the tools and resources to do something when we begin to feel this way.  All we may lack is the courage to dig in and live the dream…

Get creative and find new ways to turn your crappiness into happiness TODAY!  I KNOW YOU CAN!

By Laura Lee Carter, author of How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom.

 

What happens to marriage in midlife?

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love, Traumatized by love 1 Comment Tags: , , , , ,

Those who are in midlife and have been married for decades, know that the middle years can be awful tough on relationships.

Many might say to their partner at this point, “You’re not the person I married.”  And they would be right, but that is because… they never were.

Human beings have an amazing ability the make-up in our heads what we want and need in a relationship, and then project that image onto our love object.  We can even convince ourselves quite nicely that this person we just met is exactly what we want and need right now.

On our wedding day, few are conscious of the enormous expectations we have placed upon our love partner.  Expectations like: “I’m counting on you to make my life meaningful.”  “I’m counting on you to anticipate my every need.”  “I’m counting on you to complete me and make me a whole person.”

Over the years we come to realize how disappointed we are in this mere human being, who did not live up to our expectations, but then who could have?  In early love relationships we actually fell in love with the missing parts of ourselves.

What do we do now?  We can blame our spouse, and then move on to other relationships, like so many do.  Or we can find those missing parts and take ownership over our projections, realizing that we are the ones who will have to make our lives meaningful, anticipate our own needs, and make ourselves complete.

This is the true challenge of midlife, the challenge to mature into your second adulthood where you are in charge of all aspects of your life.  We need to let go of all wishful thinking and rescue fantasies, and do our own work on ourselves.

Whether your midlife marriage survives is completely up to you and your spouse.  The true challenge comes from within.

Spend the time to ask yourself:  Can you become an individual who does not blame others for your own unhappiness?

Self-responsibility is tough, but can lead to such a beautiful feeling of liberation!

Laura Lee Carter, author of How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom.

 

Ambivalent Boyfriend Syndrome

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, Lost love, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Traumatized by love 1 Comment Tags: , , , , ,

Ambivalent: mixed feelings about someone or something; being unable to choose between two people or courses of action.

I feel certain just about every woman in the world has dealt at some time with “ambivalent boyfriend syndrome.” You know, that boyfriend who can’t quite commit to you or anyone else.

At first the sparks fly and you fall deeply in love.  But then, when you think things are really going good, they pull back and have a million reasons why they cannot commit to a relationship with you now.  These are the guys that song “keeps me hanging on” were written about!

I know you think this is a test of your relationship, but these are the guys who are actually testing how you feel about yourself.  These are the relationships that come back to haunt you in midlife, when your life falls apart, and you start having out-of control, full-blown rescue fantasies.

No, the white knight is not dead, he’s just gone underground to emerge in your fantasy life when you see no way out.  So you call up that old ambivalent boyfriend and try to convince him one more time that you are a great catch.  You state your case one more time and argue with them, to avoid confronting the real truth.  You feel inadequate and unworthy of true love and acceptance.

NEWS FLASH: Your relationship with that ambivalent boyfriend has NOTHING to do with him, and EVERYTHING to do with your feelings of ambivalence about YOURSELF.

I dealt with my own rescue fantasy at age 49, by calling up the one that got away.  This was a part of my own healing process discussed in my book, and it may need to be a part of yours!

There’s a great reason why he got away!  He didn’t love you, and there’s a very good chance he cannot love anyone.

Take control over your choices, give up on him.  Choose to believe in yourself!  Make a list of just how amazing you are and how much you deserve genuine, authentic, unconditional love and then go get it!

Save yourself now, because he ain’t changing!

By Laura Lee Carter, author of How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom.

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