Stepping outside of your box
No one could have been more surprised than me, the day I met my new love Mike.
Sure, I had started my own local dating service six months before, after losing my job back in 2004. But I was also 49, divorced, and completely disillusioned with love.
Divorce can do that to you! But I found meeting so many very cool divorcees refreshing and encouraging. Perhaps there was still hope for us all.
As a dating coach and service owner, the first challenge I faced was having too many women to match with my male clients. Men can be quite shy about admitting they need help in meeting the right woman, but I can also be pretty stubborn when it come to business success. I felt determined to find some great love matches for my women clients!
I decided to solve my inventory problem by putting my own broadly-defined profile on Match.com. I thought I might attract a few new male clients, and then tell them about the many great women I had for them to meet. Could I entice more men to join my local service?
The first man to respond was called “Tall Guy” online. He was a stand out because of his ready responsiveness, his genuine interest, and BTW, he looked pretty cute to me!
The “Tall Guy” came over to meet me on a Saturday afternoon. Nosy me, I spied on him as he got out of his bright red pick-up, trying to decide whether to hide his big bouquet of flowers behind his back as he walked up to the door.
If you have ever had the supreme pleasure of experiencing love at first sight, then you know what happened next. Ten hours later we were still talking, laughing and feeling like heaven on earth! We both felt we had finally met someone we could naturally relate to on so many amazing levels.
I will never forget the euphoria of spending so much time with Mike in those first few months after we met! We had both waited a lifetime to feel this kind of cosmic connection.
We married exactly eight months later, and to this day we acknowledge exactly how fortunate we are to be living the lives of soul mates… I mean, what are the chances?
This post is by Laura Lee Carter, and is a part of the GENFAB Blog Hop of December 5, 2012. Click on the photos below to read more real-life love stories! They are all about finding love later!
Laura Lee is the author of How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom and Midlife Magic!
OK, I know you’re expecting something brilliant and complicated here, but I’ll just share a timely tip from the Queen of England.
The secret to a happy marriage is DIFFERENT INTERESTS.
The minute I heard this on TV, I ran into the other room and asked my lovely husband Mike what he thought of this idea. He said, they must be right because we are as different as a motorcycle and a Subaru!
Put another way, Mike’s favorite hobby right now is learning the extreme complications of Solid Works, a CADD program, while I struggle to fully comprehend midlife psychology and the Boomers directly effected by it.
Is that different enough for you? We all have our unique interests and even more unique skill sets. What is most important is that you find out what those are for you, and then PURSUE THEM!
Don’t be one of those couples that seems joined at the hips. You know, the ones who are so insecure that they require that they share everything. This is not a sign of relationship health, but is instead a sign of boundless insecurity in both partners.
Live and learn more about exactly who you are and then go for it! This is called “differentiation” in psychology speak, and seems to be the best sign of relationship health in the long-run.
In case you feel like you are in the midst of a period of “crappiness,” I do know how you feel.
But I also know how important it is to fight that crappiness feeling. How is that done? Here’s how:
Remember first that whatever you focus on grows. So what do you want to grow in your mind and emotions today? Are things changing in your life in ways you don’t like? Use these life-changing events to change your mind!
With unexpected life changes we are sometimes offered unique opportunities to see everything differently, causing us to question anew the entire plan we have laid out for our life. Maybe we aren’t even aware that we have a plan, until something screws it up. Sometimes just a scary birthday can help us open up to options we never dreamed of before.
Nothing is scarier than the daunting realization we have not even tried to live up to our full potential. Sure we did what we were told and found some success in our endeavors. Being “good” definitely has its rewards. But do you ever spend time focused on all that you could have been, and then realize that none of that will ever happen?
If you are anything like me, all of these “details” can only be ignored so long. In midlife we realize time will run out, and when it does, how will we feel as we look back on our lives?
One of the best things about being alive today is that we have a new perspective, we have more time after this realization, and we have the tools and resources to do something when we begin to feel this way. All we may lack is the courage to dig in and live the dream…
Get creative and find new ways to turn your crappiness into happiness TODAY! I KNOW YOU CAN!
Those who are in midlife and have been married for decades, know that the middle years can be awful tough on relationships.
Many might say to their partner at this point, “You’re not the person I married.” And they would be right, but that is because… they never were.
Human beings have an amazing ability the make-up in our heads what we want and need in a relationship, and then project that image onto our love object. We can even convince ourselves quite nicely that this person we just met is exactly what we want and need right now.
On our wedding day, few are conscious of the enormous expectations we have placed upon our love partner. Expectations like: “I’m counting on you to make my life meaningful.” “I’m counting on you to anticipate my every need.” “I’m counting on you to complete me and make me a whole person.”
Over the years we come to realize how disappointed we are in this mere human being, who did not live up to our expectations, but then who could have? In early love relationships we actually fell in love with the missing parts of ourselves.
What do we do now? We can blame our spouse, and then move on to other relationships, like so many do. Or we can find those missing parts and take ownership over our projections, realizing that we are the ones who will have to make our lives meaningful, anticipate our own needs, and make ourselves complete.
This is the true challenge of midlife, the challenge to mature into your second adulthood where you are in charge of all aspects of your life. We need to let go of all wishful thinking and rescue fantasies, and do our own work on ourselves.
Whether your midlife marriage survives is completely up to you and your spouse. The true challenge comes from within.
Spend the time to ask yourself: Can you become an individual who does not blame others for your own unhappiness?
Self-responsibility is tough, but can lead to such a beautiful feeling of liberation!
I know most of the time, breaking up does not feel like a golden opportunity. But just for a few minutes, try re-framing your break up into your best chance of ever getting EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE!
A break up usually feels like some sort of crisis or lost opportunity. It is one moment in time when we should spend time focused on who we are and what we want to happen next.
Too often it makes us feel like a loser, especially when it comes to divorce.
Fight the urge to see it that way! You actually have two choices in how to feel about what is happening right now.
Too often we see any sort of rejection as a sign that we are worthless, and will never find a lover who truly loves us for who we are. This reflects how poorly we see our own true value. The more you feel worthless, the more you need to spend some serious time working on yourself to improve your self-respect and esteem.
BEFORE going forward to some other relationship, work on changing how you see yourself now. I have learned that we get what we are in relationships.
If you should find a way to see real value in yourself, and believe you have lots to offer others, you will then attract those who also have something to offer you.
Here’s a fresh way to view your divorce or break-up:
“I think I’ll spend some time working on feeling much better about myself, and then go out and find someone who is so much better for me!”
That was my experience after my divorce back in 2001. Initially I felt all was lost, but then I taught myself how to believe in myself and love again. I have every confidence you can do the same!
“There’s a light in the depths of your darkness…Let it shine!” – Dan Fogelberg in the song “The Gambler”