Midlife love
What normally changes in midlife?
OK, so here’s the scoop. We all want to think we are too smart to make the same mistakes as others when it comes to midlife. That’s your first mistake. Feeling uncertain about what’s next in your 40s is healthy and natural…
Head over to my Midlife Crisis Queen blog to learn more about how to negotiate midlife change successfully!
How do we shift from fear to love?
Life is a series of shifts in perception. Only you have the power to shift your own…
Choose a new way of seeing the world today, and see how THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING!
Can you change?
Here we have the crux of the matter! I’m afraid most of us don’t even think we can change, but I’m here to tell you it is completely possible to change your mind and then change your life. I have done it a number of times.
For most of us, things have to get pretty BAD before we will even consider finding the energy or outside resources to change our lives. Most of us would rather blame anyone or anything else than ourselves for the mess we have made of our lives.
I know I had to hit a brick wall before I started changing everything. When you do hit that wall that tells you your life is so not working, find the time to sit alone for hours, days and even months thinking about what’s next.
I was 49 when my crisis hit, and so I focused on what I needed to have happen before I died. I spent my time challenging all of my previous beliefs about why I was here. I found very little meaning in what I had accomplished thus far, and so made a solemn commitment to doing everything in a different way.
First I prioritized what I wanted most in my life. My first priority was to find ways to believe in love again. I started my own dating service and met face-to-face with hundreds of other disillusioned midlife singles. We discussed ways we could begin again to believe that love was a good thing, after various versions of destructive divorces.
Through following my intuition and inner wisdom, I eventually met my true love and soul mate, whose love and loyalty was absolute. He believed in me enough to provide me with the financial and emotional support I needed to then change careers. I went from academic librarian to writer, author, and midlife psychology specialist around age 50.
Don’t sit around making more excuses! Decide what you need to happen now and start with small steps today!
How to live in love and abundance
Abundance is how we live in each moment — the choice to be open, the choice to entertain the possibility that we can have, create, and attract what we truly want.
Most of us start out believing that love can transform our lonely existence into something better. When that doesn’t work out as hoped for or planned, do we dare dream again? I say YES!
As the years go by, most of us slowly realize that love is what matters most. Love is what we all seek. The experience of love is vital to healing and wholeness. In a world filled with sadness, misunderstandings, and unfairness, love is our chance to feel a little less alone.
No one can buy that marvelous feeling of unconditional acceptance, loyalty, trust and caring. Rich or poor, we have to find it for ourselves. Most go in search of romantic love with one gigantic, unacknowledged obstacle standing squarely in their way, difficult memories of past loves that went horribly wrong. Most know all too well that love can be cruel.
How do you get past early disillusioning experiences that stand solidly in your path to ever believing in love again? How do you get to the point where you can fully acknowledge past negative or destructive relationships, thank them for all they have taught you, and then feel certain you have removed their power over your future?
How do we find the courage to open to love again, when our mind is filled with memories of a painful past?
These are the answers I had to find for myself when I lost my way ten years ago. I so wanted to still believe in love, but I realized my past experiences threatened that belief. I really had no reason to believe, and if I didn’t, what was the point of going in search of love again?
We must each find the faith inside that love and abundance is still out there and will transform our lives, before it can ever happen. That is what I learned through my own experiences, and what I share in my book How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust and Your Own Inner Wisdom.
The ex and other topics to avoid on a date
Nerves are often the biggest contributor to awkward first dates and can inspire a range of dating faux pas. With this in mind, here is a look at some of the worst conversations for any first date, and some tips on how to avoid them.
Managing your nerves
We all know first date jitters are completely normal and those pesky butterflies are a sign of adrenaline in your system. Nevertheless, they can make you feel a bit like a teenager all over again. It’s important to try and keep these feeling in check, and give yourself the best chance of making a great first impression. This is especially important if you’re meeting in person for the first time after meeting on a site like eHarmony Australia.
When preparing for the date, leave plenty of time to get ready and plan an outfit in advance. This will avoid a rush and help you to walk in feeling confident about your presentation.
When meeting your date for the first time, make a point of smiling warmly when you greet them. If you’re nervous, why not make a joke about it? This will help to break the ice, because chances are they are feeling just as anxious.
Finally, make sure you choose a date location where you’ll really feel at home. If you’re planning on enjoying a meal together, skip loud or formal restaurants and opt for a comfortable, laid back café.
Talking about the ex
If the nerves have set in and there’s a pause in conversation, it’s easy to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Sadly that’s not always the best first date topic.
Your ex-partner is a conversation you should always avoid. By bringing them up it gives the impression that you haven’t moved on and aren’t ready to commit to a new relationship. If your date asks about your relationship past, just respond with the bare facts, such as we divorced 6 years ago. It’s far too early to mention the cause, the emotional pain or any other intimate details.
Avoiding controversy
For a comfortable first date it’s always best to avoid heavy, controversial and awkward topics. If you’re unsure what that might include, think anything on the lines of politics, religion, the death penalty, assisted suicide or your sexual history.
Past dates are another topic to avoid – unless of course you want to share a funny anecdote about a dating disaster. If you’re really passionate about a hobby or a sport, then it’s fine to bring it up, within moderation. But be sure to make it an engaging two-way dialogue and ask your date what they think, rather then lecturing them with your knowledge.
Good tips for date conversations
Do your best to keep the conversation on pleasant and neutral ground, with topics like your date’s career, hobbies, family and friends. If they ask you a question, always ask them their opinion in return.
Before you arrive, it helps to read your date’s personal profile carefully to find out things like their taste in films and books as well as what their hobbies are. Dating websites are great as they cater to a variety of different people. If you are looking for your own perfect match then online dating could be the option for you, no matter what your age!
Finally, always use your positive body language to show interest in what your date has to say.
This blog post was written on behalf of E-Harmony Australia, and I did receive payment for this post.
Watch out for those darn expectations!
It only took me forty years to figure out just how tricky expectations can be. Have you ever noticed that life never turns out as expected? And if you can finally let go of expectations, you will never be disappointed. This goes triple for dating.
Probably the main reason I was so successful when I started dating again at age 49, was that I had absolutely NO expectations. No one could have convinced me to expect the love of my life to turn up at my door on that day back in January 2005. I was actually just trying to attract more men to my dating service inventory at the time.
Sure I wanted to fall in love again, who doesn’t? But I certainly wasn’t expecting it!
The problem begins when we get this picture in our heads of exactly what’s next in our lives. I know, we call that visualizing, and some think it is the best way to manifest what you desire. There is some truth to that, but please don’t mistake your visualizations for exact expectations.
Yes my new friend Mike, who turned up one day out of the blue, was amazing to me. But he was also so different than I would have ever expected. Our educational backgrounds were quite diverse, our interests couldn’t have been more different, and he even looked different than anyone I had pictured myself with previously.
If I had let any of these “pictures in my head” tell me that this wasn’t like it was “supposed to be,” I would have missed out on the love of my life.
Lesson learned! Eight years later, I still struggle every day not to let the picture in my head get in the way of my best reality.
The Path to Self-Compassion
Imagine a world where everyone loved themselves. Imagine if we all found ourselves to be enough. I personally believe this would solve many of the world’s problems. So, where to begin?
First of all, we must get far beyond our cultural obsession with self-consciousness and self-image. Imagine a world where we all realize that we are each so much more than our self-image.
Can you accept that there is truly nothing wrong with you? This is the essence of healing the self.
Just for a moment, try to see yourself as whole and complete. I have always loved this quote from Buddha:
“No matter how hard one searched, one could not find anyone in the Universe more deserving of love than oneself.”
Can you stop improving yourself long enough to appreciate all that you are? Perhaps YOU are what you seek. Perhaps if you stopped improving yourself, your life would improve. So many gifts remain unopened from your birthday. Perhaps the only thing missing in your life now is the real you.
The fastest way to improve your life is to accept yourself in all of your humanness.
Ask yourself, “When do I feel like the real me?”
Fill in this blank for yourself:
One way I could be even more authentic right now is _______________.
Do you live by faith or fear?
Living out of fear is no way to go!
New research shows you can change and begin to live a more optimistic existence just by deciding that you are tired of always expecting the worst.
I changed my mind and now it works better… and YOU can too!
Decide that great things are coming your way NOW!
Love is out there searching for you. What are you doing to help it succeed?
Life as a terminal illness
“Think of life as a terminal illness, because, if you do, you will live with joy and passion, as it ought to be lived.” — Anna Quindlen
