Midlife love

Belief is your first step towards new love!

All misfortune is but a stepping stone to fortune.  – Thoreau

Love can be tough when you’re older, divorced and wondering what’s next.  I know. At 49, after a bad divorce, I felt relatively certain my “love life” was over. What changed then? I lost my job and career a few years after my divorce…

What to do? What to do? I decided to try something completely different, I started my own dating service! I figured I needed a job AND a date. :)

self-respectThere I spent some serious time learning from hundreds of 40+ singles about what it feels like to know that you are far too young to give up on love, and yet fearful that you may be too disillusioned to ever try again. What I discovered is that there are quite a few of us who have lost our faith in love, and that included me!

So I got busy changing my mind.  With my natural stubborn streak and extensive background in psychology, I used decades of personal experience with love and disappointment to turn my attitude around.

First I began to finally value my mysterious and yet powerful personal intuitions. I quit interrupting when my heart was trying to tell me something important. Enough “rational” assessments of my situation, what did I want to happen right now?

I also knew I needed to forgive myself for everything in my past, but what was the best way to do that?

Slowly I created a formula which included finding new self-respect for where I was at, appreciating how I got there, and devising various ways to love myself into believing in love again. I began to see how much I feared love, and began searching out those experiences in my past that were keeping me stuck.

My formula included focusing on my own unique shame and trust issues, forgiving myself for past mistakes, listening to my inner wisdom, and utilizing cathartic techniques to change my beliefs about what love might have to offer me now.

My solutions worked for me!  How did I know?  I met the love of my life a few months after I started changing my mind and heart.

Learn to love yourselfNow I hate to watch others suffer because they just don’t believe anymore, so six years after I met my new love Mike, I completed my book: How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom. 

Are you ready to acknowledge that you have lost your faith in love? Read my book and then make believing in love your highest priority! It worked for me… it will work for you!

Feel free to contact me for more information or personal counseling at: MidlifeCrisisQueen@gmail.com


Do you still believe in love?

One of the most important lessons I have learned from my midlife struggles, is the need to be willing to fight for my dreams. This journey began for me back in 2004 (at age 49), when I lost my job and then spent months in introspection.

I focused on this question: What do I need to happen before I die?

I concluded that for myself I needed to find ways to believe in love again. I so wanted to find one genuine love in this lifetime. This book is a summary of what I learned in this process: I fought through a lifetime of tragedy and disappointment, did some serious soul surgery, and changed my perspective on love.

In this way I found new faith in the power of love, made my life worthwhile again, and found a great partner within a few months. We married eight months later.

We celebrated our ten anniversary this week! :)

scan0012With Mike I found true partnership, one where we work together towards shared goals. One of his lifetime goals was to build his own solar custom home with an incredible view.

This is the goal we have been working on for the past few years. So many obstacles have arisen in this process. Leaving behind our life of 20+ years in Fort Collins was our first challenge. I wrote about that extensively on my Midlife Crisis Queen blog in April and May of 2014. Suffice to say this kind of change is never easy, and it’s plain HARD on relationships!

IMGP3099We moved into a 100-year-old little house in Walsenburg Colorado, and put much into storage in June 2014. It took five months just to get a proper slab completed in this rural Colorado county.

IMGP3203We noticed every step of the construction process was costing much more than we had budgeted. We found that our contractor was not taking bids for work, but simply using his regular sub-contractors. At that point Mike decided to take over the contracting part of the process. He took bids from both local and Pueblo companies and cut over 30% off the cost of the electrical and stucco work. Our builder was not happy.

After almost a year of struggle, we were finally ready to complete the inside of our home. We had collected everything we needed to complete the kitchen, baths, etc. The response from our builder? I may be able to get to that in a few weeks. I went ballistic! And of course he hung up on me.

IMGP4056Luckily Mike apologized profusely, and we finished our house the end of July, more than a year after we moved here.  I tell you this NOT to discourage you from pursuing your own unique goals, but to warn you that pursuing dreams can get ugly sometimes.

You must be willing to fight for your dreams…


Making Long-term Commitments

“Yeah, he seems pretty cool, but would I want to push him in a wheelchair?” — Amy Schumer

scan0012When it comes to love, the question should always come up: How long do you believe you could commit to this person? Although I have to admit, it didn’t come up for me previously.

Seeing your new love at age 24 and wondering what he will be like as an old man is just, well, weird.

These things do change by age 50 or 60… a lot. My family thinks I made a BIG MISTAKE marrying my present husband at age 50, because he had and still has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and an assortment of other physical problems.

My response is simple.  I relate with Mike better than any other human being I have ever met, and on so many different levels. Yes I have to take care of him sometimes. That is what a relationship is all about. Do not commit to this if you cannot live up to that deal. He was there for me when I fell off my bike and suffered a traumatic brain injury, fractured ribs, etc. I am certain he will be taking care of me more in the future.

We have experienced the lowest lows and the highest highs together, especially in the past few years of moving from a “safe” suburban neighborhood in Fort Collins, and building a home in rural southern Colorado. I would never have taken on something like this with anyone else, and I am certain that what we have experienced together would have destroyed most relationships.

Mike + Laura small versionAmy Schumer is funny because she says what the rest of us may be ashamed to be thinking, but there is still so much truth in asking yourself tough questions when it comes to committing to a long-term kind of love.

Waiting for Marriage

successful marriageI just heard about some new research that asks why millennials are waiting to get married. The reasons seem to be that the younger generation is less religious, facing a tough economy, the high cost of weddings, and fears of joining finances with another.

Please allow this 60 year-old to add her two cents on this issue.

I believe waiting to get married or choosing not to marry are brilliant choices for all. The reasons we marry are fascinating to me. The timing of both of my marriages had something to do with my need for health insurance. I do not recommend that way of making decisions, although it can tend to be a major factor.

Mike and Laura standing 2005 smallThe most important part of the decision is why you want to get married. Religion, a tough economy, the high cost of weddings and fears of joining finances were not a part of my decision to marry my new husband Mike at age 50.

We had already worked out religious questions, our finances were good, our wedding costs were very low, and we had already joined our finances by the time we married.

I knew I had the kind of person I had been looking for my whole life. Unfortunately it took most of my life to find him and know what I had. Marriage was in the end a solid financial decision.

I had recently been through a long process of figuring out how I really felt about love and what that meant to me. In that process I decided that finding genuine love was my only goal at age 49. And if that was true I had to find a way to believe in love again.

Now I know believing in love is your first step towards finding true love. The next step is deciding love is your highest priority. What you focus on does grow! Marriage is not the issue.

Do the necessary work on yourself, trust your intuition and heart, and then love will take care of itself!

Learning to trust in someone else …

Mr. Right frig magnetBelieving in and trusting someone else has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. I have always struggled to believe in my own power to find the best life for myself, so trusting in others has been even more difficult.

I gave up early trusting in others. After my first genuine belief in love failed miserably at age 24, I gave up. I felt like it was all up to me to make my life meaningful, and I wasn’t going to let anyone else in.

That ‘worked’ for a number of years, until I realized just how lonely and afraid I was. A compassionate counselor helped me see that I needed to try again to believe in the kindness of others, but it would be years before I found someone worthy of this faith. Trial and error dominated my 30s and 40s.

Finally at age 49, after decades of struggle, I found someone smart enough and compassionate enough to earn my faith, but you can imagine my difficulties in believing in him after so many years of not trusting.

Even today, over ten years after we met, I struggle daily to trust in his vision and expertise as we build a house together. Should I do as he suggests or not?

Trusting in others is my daily challenge. How about you?

The value of seeing other perspectives

Love imageJust this week I learned something new about myself. I am very stuck in the here and now.

This failure in vision has truly limited my ability to move on to a better life.

I think it has a lot to do with my upbringing. We are very present-minded, cautious people usually erring on the side of fearful instead of faithful.

The way I finally saw the limitations of my way of thinking was by realizing how visionary and courageous my husband can be. Mike has always known that he wanted to dream up and build his own passive solar home with a fantastic view. Ever since he was a youngster he held tight to that dream, number one in his life.

So when he could no longer work at a 40-hour per week job, he found some inexpensive foothills land with fantastic views down here in southern Colorado and started building.

Contrary to all of his certainty and vision, I had my doubts. I knew I wanted to get out of the city. I was certain that I didn’t want to spend anymore of my limited time left here on earth sitting in traffic jams, but could we do exactly what we wanted?     It sounded like a stretch to me…

Every time in the past ten months when I expressed my fears about changing so much at once, Mike would simply say he was much happier in this rural setting, and he was certain I would love our new home when it was finished.

IMGP3528Well, he was right. He had the vision and expertise to make this thing happen! This is the view from our new home up on a ridge with amazing views of the Spanish Peaks, the Sangre de Cristo Mountains and Mount Mestas.


To learn much more about building solar in southern Colorado, check out our website!