Love and tragedy
When you say you want love, be sure you understand exactly what that means. Don’t be so naive as to think that does not include in sickness and in health!
Picture this, my husband Mike is laying on the living room floor screaming in pain as the EMTs AND the firemen rush up to my door. This was how I spent my Thursday evening!
They rushed him over to our local hospital, but it still took a number of shots and hours to get his extreme lower back pain under control.
I know many of you can relate, but I have NEVER seen anything quite so excruciating, and have never had an ambulance come to my house before.
I simply didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t move him or help him myself.
As it turns out, it was the right thing to do. He is now in the hospital getting evaluated. Hope we can find some real solutions soon.
It is experiences like this that can challenge your faith in love.
Remember love means loving that person through every single condition that can befall either one of you!
“Love’s in need of love today, don’t delay, send yours in right away. Hate’s going ’round breaking many hearts. Stop it please, before it’s gone too far.” – Stevie Wonder
When I listen to the arguments before our Supreme Court this week, I can only wonder how our country ever wandered so far off the path of fairness and righteousness. I’m sure those in other countries must look at us and wonder…shame on us!
So, let me get this straight. It is illegal for hundreds of thousands of American citizens to marry the one they love, because a few idiots in Washington or in their state capital told us so. And if they go to Canada or somewhere else where they can legally get married, it will not be legal in their own country.
These facts are so far beyond simple sexism or racism. I mean sure, we have a history of being terrible to non-European-Americans and women, but did we ever tell Blacks, Latinos, or Asians they couldn’t get married?
This minority of Americans aren’t asking for much. They are not asking for “special treatment.” They are asking for the right to get married, a right that the rest of us all take for granted.
Sometimes I stop and think about how I would feel if the government told me I couldn’t marry the one I love, and share things like home ownership and health insurance with this person.
This injustice makes me wonder what happened to freedom in America? If we are not free to love whomever we choose, is it any wonder why so many of us have lost our faith in love?
Once you have experienced the sting of betrayal, you will never forget… As I finished reading the fine novel “The Paris Wife” by Paula McLain this morning, I re-experienced a time in my life 34 years ago when my lover made clear that he had chosen the company of a friend of mine over me. The devastation I felt for years afterwards cannot be exaggerated.
I am afraid too many of us know that feeling, that fear, that wondering if we will ever trust anyone again. Loneliness and sorrow took over my life. Hadley, in “The Paris Wife” says, “My life was in shambles; how would I right myself? How would I get through this?” But most of us do somehow, by doing whatever comes next.
I clearly remember how low I felt, lower than I ever had, and found it almost impossible to rally. I knew my only way out of this staggering depression was to complete my degree in library science and find a job elsewhere, so that is what I did. I took the geographical cure and found my first professional job in Salt Lake City, where I ended up having the BEST group of friends ever!
I learned that life is often unfair, and even cruel. I learned not to trust most men or women. But in the end I learned no one you love is ever truly lost. My lover at age 22 was fine and strong and weak and flawed, much like everyone else I have ever met. We both went on to experience many more loves, but I like to believe “I got the very best of him.”
This recent story about the Notre Dame football player who fell in love with a virtual person, is a great cautionary tale about false identities on the Internet.
How many of us have been blinded by our desire for the perfect love? But what if that love is not even a real person?
That’s why I have always said, meet a real person face-to-face soon after beginning a virtual relationship online! Look them in the eyes, notice the chemistry, and of course do this in a safe place!
The strangest thing is, too many of us meet people even in real life, and STILL make them up in our heads:
“We human beings have an amazing ability to decide what we want and need in a relationship, and then unconsciously project all of that onto someone we have just met. We may convince ourselves quite nicely that this person, who we don’t really know, is exactly what we want and need right now. And online relationships have made this projection process even easier to achieve!” – excerpt from my new book: Find Your Reason to Be Here: The Search for Meaning in Midlife.
We are all looking consciously or unconsciously for someone who makes us feel better about ourselves and our lives, and this can place enormous expectations on those we think we love. Love can be scary, virtual love even more so.
PLEASE BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!
I have seen the film “Beginners” twice in the past 24 hours, and recommend it to all who desire, but fear love.
Beginners is about how we are all beginners when it comes to finding love again, and dying. It’s about that voice in your head that says, “Things never work out,” and that other one that still believes in magic. It’s about never giving up the hope that you will someday feel real, loved and lovable. It is about the endless dance between hope and fear, and it’s also about not settling for less.
Beautifully constructed and filled with surprises, irony, and subtle humor, “Beginnings” tells the parallel story of Oliver, a graphic artist in his 40s, who wants to believe in love, but instead continues to write “The history of sadness.”
Oliver has recently watched his father die of cancer, a father who only embraced the fact that he was born gay at age 75, but did finally embrace everything in himself before he died.
This comedy/drama is really about how deeply funny and transformative life can be if you ever have the courage to risk embracing it fully. It’s also about those who have spent a lifetime leaving relationships, because they “don’t believe it’s going to work… so I make sure it doesn’t.” It’s about whether it is better to settle for a giraffe when you’ve been waiting your whole life to find a lion.
Most importantly, this film is about becoming real and authentic at some point in life:
“What is REAL?” asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day… “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, or bit by bit?” “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.
“Generally, by the time you are REAL, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are REAL you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand… once you are REAL, you cannot ever become unreal again. It lasts for always.” – Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit