Please enjoy this guest post today by Jay Fleming-Smith:

Have you lost the will to believe in love?  Maybe you have had a number of bad experiences in your emotional life that made you decide to throw in the towel.  Or maybe you had a terrible break-up, a nasty divorce or a long dysfunctional relationship which finally brought you to your knees.

No wonder you currently feel the way you do!  After all, you are only human.  Sometimes life can knock the wind out of you.  That is just what life does to us sometimes.

My first message is as follows:  don’t blame yourself, don’t let the circumstances bring you down.  Don’t despair!  Better things lie ahead of you!

Before we go into solution mode, let’s focus on the potential outcomes of looking at your life.  You basically have two choices.  The first (and easiest) way of leading your life is to wallow in self-pity, blame yourself and run the risk of getting trapped in the vicious circle of disillusion, which might turn you into a bitter person.  That doesn’t sound very appealing now, does it?  The second avenue you could take is to get up, get going and tackle life with the same vigour, hope and determination like the rest of the world does.

But let me first get back to the former outcome.  It is of absolute importance, before you can believe in love again, to allow yourself to heal.  Whatever traumatic emotional experience you had to endure, everyone needs time to mourn, reflect and heal.  Depending on your circumstances this period might take a few months to a few years.  You will know when your mourning has come to an end.  That said, it is important not to let your grief take over for eternity.

Make up your mind that one day you will pick up your life and move forward.  It is during this time of transition that it is essential to reflect, analyze (but not to overanalyze) and to be kind to yourself.  You are no different from thousands of other people who have gone through a similar experience.

Essentially you are on a journey of reflection and perspective which should slowly lead you to a rekindled form of self-appreciation and self-love!  This voyage does come without a bit of work though.  Increasing your self-esteem will require some discipline.  Good nutrition, regular light physical activity, reconnecting with family and friends and finding your inner peace through meditation are all great ways of getting back on track.

But this is not sufficient!  You will also need to make some changes.  Don’t worry, we are not talking about dramatic changes;  few people have the ability to do this and most people who do change, revert back to their old habits within months.  What I mean is to tweak some bad habits, make some small adjustments on a regular basis until they become engrained in your new lifestyle.

Remember that small regular changes can have very large positive consequences but you need to maintain those small changes!

Once you feel you have come to the end of your journey of mourning and that you have tweaked a few bad habits, you should automatically feel better in spirit and body and exude an image of positivism, confidence and optimism.  And those around you will notice this!

So now you might think that you are ready to start dating again?  Not exactly!  What you now need is a new game plan!  It is a jungle out there and you cannot afford to get hurt immediately after all the good work you have done!  Where to find your significant other?  It is relatively straight forward.  Avoid bars and clubs like the plague, be extra wary of dating sites (it is very time-consuming and can be soul destroying), and be aware that a holiday romance is most of the time just that.

Instead, you need to get back to basics.  Tell all your loved ones, family and friends you are ‘available’ to date.  Go to your high school or college reunion, join a book club, play golf or tennis, in short get out there and go where like-minded people or people of a similar age like yourself tend to socialize.

Finally, be realistic as to what you want to achieve, set your expectations low but be disciplined, focused and optimistic.  And very importantly, don’t be discouraged by any setbacks that might come your way.  We all need a little bit of luck in finding our significant other, but it is only by being social and cheerful that we will meet, attract and find that new found love that you so deserve. In love no  one escapes and neither will you!

I sincerely wish this love and happiness to every single one of you!

Jay Fleming-Smith is the author of Fix Your Relationship in ONE Minute