Finding love late in life

Can you change?

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Divorce and recovery, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, Psychotherapy Northern Colorado No Comments Tags: , ,

Change self and then the world Here we have the crux of the matter!  I’m afraid most of us don’t even think we can change, but I’m here to tell you it is completely possible to change your mind and then change your life.  I have done it a number of times.

For most of us, things have to get pretty BAD before we will even consider finding the energy or outside resources to change our lives.  Most of us would rather blame anyone or anything else than ourselves for the mess we have made of our lives.

I know I had to hit a brick wall before I started changing everything.  When you do hit that wall that tells you your life is so not working, find the time to sit alone for hours, days and even months thinking about what’s next.

I was 49 when my crisis hit, and so I focused on what I needed to have happen before I died.  I spent my time challenging all of my previous beliefs about why I was here.  I found very little meaning in what I had accomplished thus far, and so made a solemn commitment to doing everything in a different way.

change is goodFirst I prioritized what I wanted most in my life.  My first priority was to find ways to believe in love again.  I started my own dating service and met face-to-face with hundreds of other disillusioned midlife singles.  We discussed ways we could begin again to believe that love was a good thing, after various versions of destructive divorces.

Through following my intuition and inner wisdom, I eventually met my true love and soul mate, whose love and loyalty was absolute.  He believed in me enough to provide me with the financial and emotional support I needed to then change careers.  I went from academic librarian to writer, author, and midlife psychology specialist around age 50.

Don’t sit around making more excuses!  Decide what you need to happen now and start with small steps today!

 

Essential Self-Healing

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Love and forgiveness, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-honesty and awareness, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box No Comments Tags: , ,

heart speaksSelf-love, self-acceptance and self-respect are where all love comes from.  Until we love and respect ourselves, we are not yet ready to give, receive or accept love from others.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself to test your present level of self-love and self-respect:

  • Are you willing to accept there is much more to you than how you see yourself now?  Who are you without your story, and without harsh self-judgment?

  • Can you accept that there is really nothing wrong with you right now?

  • Can you see yourself as whole and beautiful?  Meditate on that thought.

  • Can you accept that you are exactly what you seek in others?

  • If you stopped finding fault in yourself, would your life improve?

  • Can you accept that perhaps the thing you are missing in your life may be your authentic self?  What would it take to let the “real” you come out to play?

  • At what times do you feel most like the “real” you?

  • Ask and answer this question just for yourself:  One way I could be even more authentic right now is ___________________________.

  • Daily affirmation:

Show me the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful that is!

Lovely review of my new book!

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love No Comments Tags: ,

“In 100 pages, with an intriguing bibliography, this is a quick but comprehensive overview of our generation at this moment in the 21st century.  Carter’s telling is at once realistic and optimistic—and her own story is living proof. 

‘Why did I write this book?’ she asks in the prologue of this new book, and then answers with a quote from Joan Baez, a troubadour for our generation:

‘Action is the greatest antidote to despair.’ 

Carter never looks at our generation through rosy glasses.  Her even-handed reporting and clear and compassionate writing help me understand the challenges and opportunities we all face.  Thank you.”                                                      – Carrie Tuhy

 Find Your Reason to Be Here: The Search For Meaning in Midlife is where I share what I have learned from years of research into the psychological legacy of boomers, where the idea of ‘midlife’ came from, and how boomers can make the most of this unique new stage of emotional development.

Here I summarize most of what I have learned in studying the experience of midlife from the inside out.  I explain what happens to our hearts and minds in combination with being raised in the time of the boomers, and then show how to combat emotional challenges, find love again, and succeed in becoming your best self in spite of the many factors which may work against you.

How to live in love and abundance

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Lost love, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Psychotherapy Northern Colorado, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love No Comments Tags: ,

pink love sunsetAbundance is how we live in each moment — the choice to be open, the choice to entertain the possibility that we can have, create, and attract what we truly want.

Most of us start out believing that love can transform our lonely existence into something better.  When that doesn’t work out as hoped for or planned, do we dare dream again?  I say YES!

As the years go by, most of us slowly realize that love is what matters most.  Love is what we all seek. The experience of love is vital to healing and wholeness.  In a world filled with sadness, misunderstandings, and unfairness, love is our chance to feel a little less alone.

No one can buy that marvelous feeling of unconditional acceptance, loyalty, trust and caring.  Rich or poor, we have to find it for ourselves.  Most go in search of romantic love with one gigantic, unacknowledged obstacle standing squarely in their way, difficult memories of past loves that went horribly wrong.  Most know all too well that love can be cruel.

How do you get past early disillusioning experiences that stand solidly in your path to ever believing in love again?  How do you get to the point where you can fully acknowledge past negative or destructive relationships, thank them for all they have taught you, and then feel certain you have removed their power over your future?

How do we find the courage to open to love again, when our mind is filled with memories of a painful past?

purple heartsThese are the answers I had to find for myself when I lost my way ten years ago.  I so wanted to still believe in love, but I realized my past experiences threatened that belief.  I really had no reason to believe, and if I didn’t, what was the point of going in search of love again?

We must each find the faith inside that love and abundance is still out there and will transform our lives, before it can ever happen.  That is what I learned through my own experiences, and what I share in my book How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust and Your Own Inner Wisdom.

The ex and other topics to avoid on a date

By Laura Lee Carter in Divorce and recovery, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, Self-honesty and awareness, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love No Comments Tags: , , , , ,

Nerves are often the biggest contributor to awkward first dates and can inspire a range of dating faux pas.  With this in mind, here is a look at some of the worst conversations for any first date, and some tips on how to avoid them.

eharmony pic 2

Managing your nerves    

We all know first date jitters are completely normal and those pesky butterflies are a sign of adrenaline in your system. Nevertheless, they can make you feel a bit like a teenager all over again. It’s important to try and keep these feeling in check, and give yourself the best chance of making a great first impression. This is especially important if you’re meeting in person for the first time after meeting on a site like eHarmony Australia.

When preparing for the date, leave plenty of time to get ready and plan an outfit in advance. This will avoid a rush and help you to walk in feeling confident about your presentation.

When meeting your date for the first time, make a point of smiling warmly when you greet them. If you’re nervous, why not make a joke about it? This will help to break the ice, because chances are they are feeling just as anxious.

Finally, make sure you choose a date location where you’ll really feel at home. If you’re planning on enjoying a meal together, skip loud or formal restaurants and opt for a comfortable, laid back café.

Talking about the ex

If the nerves have set in and there’s a pause in conversation, it’s easy to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Sadly that’s not always the best first date topic.

Your ex-partner is a conversation you should always avoid. By bringing them up it gives the impression that you haven’t moved on and aren’t ready to commit to a new relationship. If your date asks about your relationship past, just respond with the bare facts, such as we divorced 6 years ago. It’s far too early to mention the cause, the emotional pain or any other intimate details.

Avoiding controversy

For a comfortable first date it’s always best to avoid heavy, controversial and awkward topics. If you’re unsure what that might include, think anything on the lines of politics, religion, the death penalty, assisted suicide or your sexual history.

Past dates are another topic to avoid – unless of course you want to share a funny anecdote about a dating disaster. If you’re really passionate about a hobby or a sport, then it’s fine to bring it up, within moderation. But be sure to make it an engaging two-way dialogue and ask your date what they think, rather then lecturing them with your knowledge.

eharmony pic

Good tips for date conversations

Do your best to keep the conversation on pleasant and neutral ground, with topics like your date’s career, hobbies, family and friends. If they ask you a question, always ask them their opinion in return.

Before you arrive, it helps to read your date’s personal profile carefully to find out things like their taste in films and books as well as what their hobbies are. Dating websites are great as they cater to a variety of different people. If you are looking for your own perfect match then online dating could be the option for you, no matter what your age!

Finally, always use your positive body language to show interest in what your date has to say.

This blog post was written on behalf of E-Harmony Australia, and  I did receive payment for this post.

 

 

Watch out for those darn expectations!

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Falling in love, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Psychotherapy Northern Colorado, Renewed faith in love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love No Comments Tags: , , , ,

It only took me forty years to figure out just how tricky expectations can be.  Have you ever noticed that life never turns out as expected?  And if you can finally let go of  expectations, you will never be disappointed.  This goes triple for dating.

what life is supposed to beProbably the main reason I was so successful when I started dating again at age 49, was that I had absolutely NO expectations.  No one could have convinced me to expect the love of my life to turn up at my door on that day back in January 2005.  I was actually just trying to attract more men to my dating service inventory at the time.

Sure I wanted to fall in love again, who doesn’t?  But I certainly wasn’t expecting it!

The problem begins when we get this picture in our heads of exactly what’s next in our lives.  I know, we call that visualizing, and some think it is the best way to manifest what you desire.  There is some truth to that, but please don’t mistake your visualizations for exact expectations.

Yes my new friend Mike, who turned up one day out of the blue, was amazing to me.  But he was also so different than I would have ever expected.  Our educational backgrounds were quite diverse, our interests couldn’t have been more different, and he even looked different than anyone I had pictured myself with previously.

 If I had let any of these “pictures in my head” tell me that this wasn’t like it was “supposed to be,” I would have missed out on the love of my life.

Lesson learned!  Eight years later, I still struggle every day not to let the picture in my head get in the way of my best reality.

Do you live by faith or fear?

By Laura Lee Carter in Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Midlife love No Comments Tags: , ,

faith and fearLiving out of fear is no way to go!

New research shows you can change and begin to live a more optimistic existence just by deciding that you are tired of always expecting the worst.

I changed my mind and now it works better… and YOU can too!

Decide that great things are coming your way NOW!

Love is out there searching for you.  What are you doing to help it succeed?

 

 

The middle years are rough on relationships!

By Laura Lee Carter in Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, How to believe in love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, self-compassion and love, Self-honesty and awareness, Self-respect and love No Comments Tags: , , ,

Although my new book: Find Your Reason to Be Here: The Search for Meaning in Midlife is mostly about the changes we all go through as we realize we are solidly in the middle of our lives, I do have one section on how midlife relationships change.  Here’s an excerpt:

“It has always been true, and is especially so today, that the middle years can be tough on relationships. In 2010, about 33% of American adults from age 46 to 64 were divorced, separated, or had never been married, compared with 13% in 1970.

One possible explanation for this major demographic shift is that long-married couples often look at each other in midlife and say, “You’re not the person I married,” and they are right.  But that is because they never were.

We human beings have an amazing ability to decide what we want and need in a relationship and then unconsciously project all of that onto someone we have just met. We may convince ourselves quite nicely that this person, whom we don’t really know, is exactly what we want and need right now.  And in online relationships this projection process is even easier to achieve.

On our wedding day, few of us are conscious of the enormous expectations we are placing upon our new love partner, expectations like: “I’m counting on you to make my life meaningful.  I’m sure you will anticipate my every need.  Would you please complete me and make me a whole person?”  Then, over the next few years or decades, we may come
to realize how disappointed we are in this mere human being, who does not and cannot live up to our unrealistic and elevated expectations.

But then, who could?  Did you know that in our earliest love relationships we actually fall in love with the missing parts of ourselves?  If we feel particularly self-critical, we may fall in love with someone who seems to judge us less harshly.  If we feel inadequate in the responsibility department, we may fall in love with someone who seems overly responsible.

What do we do when our loved one disappoints us?  We often blame the person and then move on to other relationships, hoping to find someone who is more perfect, someone perfect like us.

Or, if we are a bit more self-aware, we may do a little emotional excavating to discover those missing parts of our own psyche.”

Does our need for love change with age?

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Love and forgiveness, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love, Self-respect and love, taking a risk for love No Comments Tags: , , ,

First I heard on a PBS special about pets, that many of us today have had longer relationships with our dogs than with significant others.  Then this morning I heard that many are so in “love” with their ipads, that they would rather break-up with their significant other than break their devices!

What’s going on here?  Dr. Randy Gunther, a psychologist writing over at Psychology Today believes that our apparent addiction to ever newer technology may be causing us to also be constantly seeking novelty in our intimate relationships.  She says:  “The multiplicity of connections and continued motivations that great, long-term relationships require are hard to come by and easier to leave behind, especially when another new and more exciting experience is easy to find.”

It is always easier to give up than to make any real commitment to a more long-term liaison.  New love is always exciting at first, but I do not want to live in a world where commitment and loyalty are not valued.

I have noticed that even those who struggled with love and commitment in their 30s and 40s, often mature enough in their 50s and 60s, and finally learn how to truly love others well.

I personally found new value in true love at age 49.  In fact, after much consideration, I decided that finding genuine love was my most important goal in life.  For what is life without love?

I wanted so much to believe that there were still great love stories, and I could be a part of one of those.  I found the first step was to find new ways to simply believe in love again, even after decades of bad relationships.  I needed to find ways to let go of my past negative experiences, and find renewed faith that love could be beautiful, strong and selfless.  When I did that, I finally did find another who felt the same way about love and about me.

Aging has it’s advantages, and one is the certainty that none of us get out of this alive.  Accepting that fact is the first step towards finding new value in enduring love.

After all, who doesn’t want to believe in a love that lasts “til death do us part?”

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 »