Chaco Canyon pictorgraph
Precious solstice. Loving blessings abound. Give thanks for it all.
It’s winter solstice time again, time to rest, nurture yourself, and focus on the past year, and the new one to come.
When I contemplate all of this, I feel tremendously blessed.
I hope this solstice finds you having similar feelings.
“Abundance is how we live in each moment – the choice to entertain the possibility that we can have, create and attract what we truly want.”
What is it about love and Christmas?
Perhaps it’s just that everybody wants to be in love around Christmas.
I know my most memorable holidays have been when I was newly in love, especially one year in particular when I fell in love while walking around New York City for the first time! Ah, was I ever so young and idealistic?
It seems to be a proven fact that Christmas intensifies emotions. A friend of mine runs a local Zale’s Jewelry store, and she says all the holidays from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s Day bring out the romance in people. I believe the holidays bring out all sorts of strong feelings, intensified by memories of Thanksgivings and Christmases past.
Perhaps it is our fear of having no one to be with at the holidays. I know there are many who hang out with those they don’t even like that much, because being alone seems so much worse. That is also probably why there is an increase in domestic violence around Christmas. So many angry, disappointed souls!
Remember, whatever feelings you are having at the time will get concentrated by the holidays. Holidays raise expectations.
The trick is to let go of past disappointments and start from scratch this year. Bring yourself back to the present with the simple question: “What do I truly want to happen this year?” and do your best to create that reality.
“If you want a spiritual experience, go spend a weekend with your parents.” - Ram Dass
I had an interesting interview yesterday. Here are her excellent questions, and a summary of my answers:
What do you think is your spark?
The positive energy I receive from connecting with others, and what I do with that energy.
Have you always been a self-starter, or have you learned this skill over time?
I have always been very bright and independent, but lacking in self-confidence. This is a constant challenge for me.
Why did you feel called to write about midlife issues like love?
I went through so many personal changes in my late 40s – a divorce, and then job loss a couple of years later, which led to spending much time alone. This increased my awareness that “doing what I’d been told to do” wasn’t working for me, causing me to pay closer attention to my inner wisdom and all of my possibilities both personally and career-wise. I started asking myself, “What do I need to happen before I die?” and “How could I move in that general direction?”
In late 2007 I started my blog MidifeCrisisQueen.com to reach out to others, because I had felt so alone when I experienced my own midlife crisis. I wanted to offer encouragement to others. My original purpose? Public service, not a business.
What are the biggest challenges you faced when you started your business?
Believing in myself and my mission, which has evolved gradually from writing to coaching and public speaking. It all started with my blog – developing my voice, my own style, and respect for my own needs.
What do you enjoy most about writing your blogs?
The responsiveness of my audience and learning how others are coping with their own midlife challenges. Feeling connected to others. I have virtual friends all over the world now!
Please tell me more about your books?
First I wrote Midlife Magic: Becoming The Person You Are Inside, to tell my own story and inspire others to not give up when life gets tough in midlife. Then I added my Midlife Change Workbook, to help them work through their own changes at their own pace.
This year I published How to Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust and Your Own Inner Wisdom, to encourage others to find the confidence inside to finally attract the kind of love they seek. Too many give up too soon because of major disappointments in their past, or because they feel they do not deserve one experience with authentic love in this lifetime.
I went through a complicated process to finally find true love at age 49. I started my own dating service which led to some great comradery among my clients. This made me begin to wonder if I even still believed in love. I felt it was important to share with others the various ways I discovered to renew my own faith in love. I met the love of my life soon after I changed my attitudes about myself and others, right before I turned 50.
What mistakes have you made along the way and what have you learned?
My essay: How the Internet has changed the business of writing summarizes much of what I’ve learned. In addition, don’t let “business think” control your decisions. Follow your heart and your inner wisdom and do what uniquely works for you, because your business should be a reflection of who you are.
What do you think is the most important thing most entrepreneurs can take away from your journey?
Like everything else in life, developing a business is a process. Pay attention to yourself and your own needs along the way.
Also give some thought to whether you wish to reach a national and/or international audience or just local. I have learned that it is much easier to sell my books face-to-face than through online channels. Almost every person I talk to directly about my books buys at least one, and some request a coaching session too. I believe in this hyper-connected online world of ours, more than ever we all crave that up close and personal touch!
For as long as I can remember, and I’m 56 now, most American adults have been married. When I looked around growing up, I saw married people EVERYWHERE!
I always felt like such a freak because I have been single most of my adult life, marrying for the first time at age 39. So imagine my SHOCK yesterday when the Pew Research Center reported that only 51% of American adults over 18 are presently married, the lowest in our nation’s history!
Back in 1960 a full 72% of adults were married. It almost seemed like you had to get married! Now cooler minds have prevailed. Thank goodness the age of first marriage has gone up to over 26 for women and 29 for men. That should save a lot of divorces!
Personally I think it should be against the law to marry before age 30. I mean, what do you really know about yourself or life before age 30? Sure, we all fall in love, but marriage is a whole different experience.
I can highly recommend selecting a husband at age 49. That’s what I did, and it has worked out so much better!
And, BTW, someone should inform the mainstream media and the commercial makers of the world: Everyone isn’t married with kids! Perhaps that’s one reason why TV shows like Seinfeld did so well, because they finally showed older singles with their interesting lives and idiosyncrasies.
1. Change your language and your heart will open
Be mindful and conscious of how you talk to others and yourself and watch how your life opens up to more things to be grateful for. It’s impossible to be fearful and appreciative at the same time, so the next time you find yourself in a negative place, take a step back, shift your thoughts to what you are grateful for in your life and let your heart open.
2. Find a gratitude partner
Find someone close to you to help you keep your thoughts positive and focused on seeing the glass as two-thirds full. Gratefulness is a muscle that needs to be worked out on a regular basis. Similar to a running or walking partner, your gratitude partner is there to keep you on track and encourage you to get back on track when you slip back to negative thinking.
3. Remember those who have been there for you
One helpful way to begin practicing gratefulness is by remembering those who have helped you through difficult times, or were by your side to celebrate joyous moments in your life. Taking the time to remember those who showed you great empathy or kindness, acted as a mentor or believed in you, will expand your gratitude threshold. You may wish to write those special friends a letter of thanks or read it aloud to someone face to face.
4. Start a gratitude journal
Think you don’t have time to do this? Think again! Just write down five things you are grateful for before going to bed each night. Then increase your list as needed. At the beginning of each day review your list from the previous day and then begin each new day with a personalized sense of gratitude.
Better yet, begin each day by viewing this five minute video!
“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.” – Barry LePatner
These lines from the song “Meteor Shower” from the Owl City album Ocean City, best captures all of our greatest fears when it comes to falling in love again:
“Please don’t let me go. I desperately need you!”
What an unattractive and yet authentic emotion. What if we go ahead and take a chance on love again, and they then betray us? Can we survive one more gigantic disappointment if it all goes bad? Unfortunately most of us know EXACTLY what that feels like.
The next question to ask yourself is, how have I changed and grown since last I fell deeply in love? Has your self-knowledge and judgment improved much in the past twenty or thirty years? Let’s hope so!
It is true that insanity is the practice of doing something over and over again in the same way, and then expecting a different outcome. We do need to learn from previous experiences so we can grow and change.
If you should fear that you haven’t changed and grown enough to make better choices in future relationships, check out my new book: How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom.
Check to see where you stand in my “What do you believe about love now?” quiz, and then work your way through some possible changes you can make today. Learn how to forgive yourself for past mistakes, gather a deeper understanding of past betrayals, and then start tapping into your own inner wisdom.
Learn what it feels like to begin to trust again!
The holidays are upon us. And with the holidays come many strong feelings, intensified by memories of Thanksgivings and Christmases past. Add into this mix your present relationships, and you may find yourself in some emotionally charged situations.
Remember, whatever feelings you are having about your closest relationships, get concentrated by the holidays. If you are feeling great love for your spouse, you may feel even more closeness during the holidays. If you are feeling ambivalence about your marriage before, don’t be surprised to feel increased uncertainty as you spend lots of time together.
On the other hand, many engagements are announced between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. Acute feelings emerge when we share our first family get-togethers. Think of all the emotion-packed memories you have of Christmas. Holidays raise expectations.
Of course, the holidays can also deepen feelings of loneliness and abandonment. If loved ones have been lost in the past year or we have sad memories of past holidays, these can serve to sabotage our enjoyment of the present moment.
Here are a few ways to become more aware of your unconscious holiday expectations and enjoy the present moment:
Try to let go of past disappointments and start from scratch this year. Bring yourself back to the present with the simple question: “What do I want to happen this year?” and do your best to create that reality.
I happen to know from personal experience that love can be difficult to find if you are constantly too hard on yourself, and feel responsible for EVERYTHING that happens around you!
So here are TEN COMMANDMENTS for Giving Yourself a BREAK:
Diane Sawyer on the ABC News has been encouraging us all to buy gifts made in America, to help create more jobs here. I couldn’t agree more with that sentiment!
So in the interest of full disclosure, here’s where your dollars and cents go when you buy one copy of my new book on Amazon:
Amazon, an American company, receives $3.88
My printer Lightning Source Inc., located in LaVegne, Tennessee, receives $2.30
And I (an American author located in Fort Collins, Colorado) receive $6.77
GO BUY AMERICAN TODAY!