Finding love again

The Meaning and Mystery of Love

“The mature response to the problem of existence is love.”
— Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

broken heartDid you know we can actually die from a broken heart? Yep, it’s called “Broken Heart Syndrome” and it causes around 10,000 deaths each year in the U.S.

When a loved one dies many stress hormones are released, causing the heart to struggle and sometimes stop. Many simply ask “Why go on?” and can find no good reason.

first kissDid you know scent matters more to women than men when it comes to romance? Apparently women are unconsciously looking for the proper immune system to mate with.

These fun facts all come from CBS Sunday Morning this past week.

I loved the first story about lost loves called “Lost and Found.” They said that if we should try to track down lost loves from our distant past, something made much easier by the Internet, there is a 70% chance that we will get back together with them if we are both single and available. Helen Fisher says that’s because they have been imprinted on our brains, so we cannot forget them! 

How to Believe in Love Again! blog sizeI found tracking down a lost love from decades past quite useful, but in a very different way… have you tried it yet? Sometimes we need to reconnect with our past in order to move on…

Read my book “How To Believe In Love Again” to learn all about the advantages of calling up those lost loved ones!

Valentine’s Day and Self-Respect

Mr. Right frig magnetOK, Valentine’s Day is coming right up.

It’s time to ask yourself:

What do you want to happen to you on that day?

If your answer is nothing, than you’re all set. Ask for nothing and nothing is usually the result, but I have never been the passive type when it comes to love.

If you want something to happen, try this saying on for size:

“What do you want to happen today?  ASK FOR EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT!”

Why do I think this way? Because I believe we can all change our lives if we choose to. I’ve done it a number of times.  I’ve changed husbands, careers, homes, you name it, and that’s past age 50!

Taking charge and believing in myself is always an empowering experience for me.

“The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions.” 

Are you stuck in a love rut? Are you in the wrong relationship? Are you often treated with disrespect?

The sooner you begin valuing yourself, the sooner you will feel the need to find someone who truly values you.  This goes for all of your relationships, including your family.

I know how hard it is to find a strong sense of self-respect when you haven’t learned it from others, but it can be done.

Decide today how you must be treated and then only hang out with those who appreciate the amazing person that you are!

My books can help!

Does marriage have to do with HAPPY?

success is the best revengeMost of the research suggests married people are happier than singles, but does marriage really make people happier?

Or are happier people just more likely to get married?

A new review of the literature published by the National Bureau of Economic Research suggests that there really is a causal relationship between marriage and happiness, and the happiest, according to authors John F. Helliwell and Shawn Grover, are those who marry their best friend.

 Helliwell and Grover used the Gallup World Poll and a few nationwide surveys in the U.K. to analyze the link between well-being and marriage. They found that married people are still more satisfied with their lives than singles, even if premarital well-being is controlled for.

 Even those in their 40s and 50s, when happiness tends to bottom-out before picking back up later in life, marriage seems to have a positive effect.

Unless you’re like me, and finally find your best friend at age 49!

 These authors wrote: “We find that the married have a less deep U-shape in life satisfaction across age groups than do the unmarried, indicating that marriage may help ease the causes of the mid-life dip in life satisfaction, and that the benefits of marriage are unlikely to be short-lived.”

They conclude that a couple who are best friends explains the apparent causal relationship between marriage and happiness.     For people who say their partner is their best friend, the well-being effects of marriage are doubled, even when controlling for factors like age, gender, income, health, and life satisfaction before marriage.

BTW, increased happiness seems to occur for those who are not married, but only living together.

The key to any great relationship is not a search for a husband, wife or your soul mate, but a thorough search for your best friend.

Believe in Love Again!

Butterfly side view small 2007Love can be tough when you’re older, divorced and wondering what’s next.  I know I felt relatively certain my “love life” was over at age 49, but I changed my mind when I lost my career a few years after my divorce…

Going only on my own desire to try something completely different, I started my own dating service. There I spent some serious time learning from hundreds of 40+ singles about what it feels like to know that you are far too young to give up on love, and yet fearful that you may be too disillusioned to ever try again. What I discovered is that there are quite a few of us who have lost our faith in love, and that included me!

So I got busy changing my mind.  With my natural stubborn streak and extensive background in psychology, I used decades of personal experience with love and disappointment to turn my attitude around. First I began to finally value my mysterious and yet powerful personal guidance system.  I quit interrupting when it was trying to tell me something important.  Enough “rational” assessments of my situation. What did I want right now?

I also knew I needed to forgive myself for everything in my past, but what was the best way to do that?

Slowly I created a formula which included finding new self-respect for where I was at, appreciating how I got there, and devising various ways to love myself into believing in love again.    I saw how much I feared love, and began searching out those experiences in my past that were keeping me stuck.

My formula included focusing on my own unique shame and trust issues, forgiving myself for past mistakes, listening to my inner wisdom, and utilizing cathartic techniques to change my beliefs about what love might have to offer me now.

My solutions worked for me!  How did I know?  I met the love of my life a few months after I decided to change.

I so hate to watch others suffer, so six years after I met Mike I completed my book: How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom. 

Are you ready to acknowledge that you have also lost your faith in love?  Read my book and then make believing in love again your highest priority! It worked for me… it will probably work for you!

I worked for 25 years as a research librarian before transitioning into my present work as a writer and psychotherapist.  I hold three graduate degrees including one in counseling psychology. Don’t miss my popular blog: MidlifeCrisisQueen.com.

Feel free to contact me for more information or personal counseling at: MidlifeCrisisQueen@gmail.com

Breaking ground in the CO foothills!

Follow our progress over at the Adventures of the NEW OLD FARTS!

This week we have some actual excavation going on on our foothills building site!  YES!

IMGP2739We were up there the other evening at dusk and experienced a magnificent light show!

DSCF0786

We had a lovely home in the suburbs, but Mike always said he wasn’t moving again until we got a view.. well I guess we will get that with our new home!

DSCF0799
I am pleasingly surprised at how much I love the rural life.  When we go up to visit our new home site, I just have to pinch myself to believe this will all be ours!

DSCF0797To each her own, but I feel like one lucky dog!!!

success is the best revengeFrom one miserable, unemployed divorcee to a happily married writer with a bright new life up in those beautiful hills in just ten years… can’t beat that!

 Eat your heart out JOHN…                  You know who you are!

‘Proof of Life’ in online dating

Did any of you see the interview with Nev Schulman on TV the other day?  He has a new book out about ‘catfishing’… which apparently means lying online to get a date.

catfishHere’s the meaning from the Urban Dictionary: ‘A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they’re not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.’

I found this all quite entertaining, because I met my new [and improve!] husband through Match.com over nine years ago. Yes, you have to be super careful out there, and yet I just don’t get how lying to others about who you are will ever pay off!

The part of Nev’s interview I found most entertaining was how some lie with their photos online, by having them photoshopped, etc.  He said the new thing is to ask perspective dates to go have their photo taken with a specific item in their hand, to get a more recent and accurate image.

DSCF0779My mind immediately leapt to those ‘proof of life’ photos from a kidnapping.  You know, where the money won’t be dropped off until they see a photo of the victim, holding a newspaper with today’s date on it… WHAT is the world coming to?