Finding love again
“If I know what love is, it is because of you.” -Herman Hesse
According to Wikipedia, unconditional love is: “affection without any limitations, it can also be love without conditions, sometimes associated with terms such as altruism or complete love.”
Most will agree that unconditional love is a boundless, unchanging feeling.
Do you even believe in it? Is it a bad thing? I was surprised to find, when a friend brought the topic up for discussion this week, that some find it unbelievable or even distasteful. To me it is the ultimate high!
I first started learning about it when I was in counseling in my thirties (thirty years ago). My excellent therapist taught me by showing me that kind of compassion and concern directly. She taught by example and with feelings, not just words. I had never felt so cared for. I had no idea up until then that human relationships could be so uplifting.
These days they call this “reparenting” therapy. Once I could identify the feeling of unconditional love, I felt drawn to it everywhere I went, leading me to a few powerful friendships, filled with love and genuine concern.
Throughout my deep friendships and romances, I have valued unconditional love, but when I first met Mike at age 49, I knew I had just made one magical connection. The energy was palpable and not just sexual.
To meet someone who you know has the potential to give unconditional love is such a unique gift. The only question then is whether he will feel that way towards you. I told him right off how amazed I was at our powerful energy together and our synchronicities.
Eleven years later I feel his love has been my greatest gift in life. We love each other now without doubt or any conditions. We feel somehow permanently connected even beyond death.
So yes, I do believe in unconditional love… How about you?
Out of the blue it struck me the other day, exactly how rare it is to feel loved by what I would call a qualified lover.
How often have you felt a lack of judgment, just total acceptance and compassion from another human being, with no expectations of anything in return? How many people have never had this experience, ever?
If you have ever experienced this, were you able to accept such pure love in the moment? Were you able to look past all of your faults and feelings of unworthiness and acknowledge,
“I am now loved.”
The joy I feel when I slow down enough to fully feel all of the love in my life is breathtaking. And I know for certain that there was no room for this love before I hit bottom in 2004.
I stopped denying how much I wanted to feel pure love. I took a gigantic leap of faith and admitted honestly to myself that my only real priority at age 49, was to feel pure love once in this lifetime.
I finally went all in, and said to myself I would not accept anything less, realizing that would require me to offer my best in return.
I was ready to grow up and take full responsibility for my own needs, and by doing so I felt certain that I would know when I met a qualified lover for myself.
And I did. The first man I met after all of this soul surgery came calling, and we both knew quite quickly that we had met our match. Trust was the name of the game back then, so we built it slowly and carefully.
We both equally valued the amazing match we had made. We knew from 50 years of experience what we had was rare and so beautiful. We spoke often and honestly, expressed our many insecurities, and built respect and trust constantly.
And now, eleven years later, I can only say to you, “Go for it!”
Actually, this reminds me more of my experience at midlife. I had lived my entire life so carefully, remaining single until 39, and then in a bad marriage and the wrong career, just to “play it safe.” Then when my major crisis hit at age 49, I felt so perplexed.
I remember saying to myself: “I spent my entire life playing it safe, just so I wouldn’t end up like this!”
Too bad I had to wait so long to learn exactly how dangerous “playing it safe” can be!
Now, at age 60, I agree much more with Katherine Hepburn: So many rules, so little time to break them! I break those little rules in my head all of the time now. In fact I try to break at least one a day!
Do you have silly rules that keep you from getting the life you really want?
Do you have your own ‘itsy bitsy shitty committee’ in your head, that keeps telling you: “You shouldn’t do that!” Does it tell you regularly that you can’t possibly find the kind of love you seek? Tell it to SHUT UP right now, and then go out and find the best kind of love you can!
That’s what I did at age 49. I stopped focusing on the negative experiences in my past, and moved on to the kind of love I had always been looking for, and it worked!
Now, eleven years later, I am living a marvelous life in a solar home in southern Colorado with a prince of a partner, one who would not think of criticizing me. He believes in me!
Decide that you will somehow find your best kind of love, and then go out and find it TODAY!
If you feel you need some help in this difficult transition from negative to positive, please check out my book! And for some more excellent reading on this topic, check out this article by one of my favorite writers!