Finding love again

Welcome Happy Spring Flowers!

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Falling in love, Finding love again, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love No Comments Tags: , ,

Spring buddha half sizeThis is what my backyard looks like this morning!  If this doesn’t cheer you up, then you aren’t trying!

We’re having a delayed springtime here in northern Colorado because we’ve had our best snows just in the past few weeks.  We had a record low just two weeks ago!  The trees are afraid to leaf out, but they are finally ready to bloom.

Spring is MY season, the season of growth and renewal!  I love everything about it!  It makes me feel alive again after a long, dreary winter.

Spring is also the BEST time to fall in love!  So get out there and make your dreams come true!  Believe to receive everything you ever dreamed of and MORE!

 

Lovely review of my new book!

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love No Comments Tags: ,

“In 100 pages, with an intriguing bibliography, this is a quick but comprehensive overview of our generation at this moment in the 21st century.  Carter’s telling is at once realistic and optimistic—and her own story is living proof. 

‘Why did I write this book?’ she asks in the prologue of this new book, and then answers with a quote from Joan Baez, a troubadour for our generation:

‘Action is the greatest antidote to despair.’ 

Carter never looks at our generation through rosy glasses.  Her even-handed reporting and clear and compassionate writing help me understand the challenges and opportunities we all face.  Thank you.”                                                      – Carrie Tuhy

 Find Your Reason to Be Here: The Search For Meaning in Midlife is where I share what I have learned from years of research into the psychological legacy of boomers, where the idea of ‘midlife’ came from, and how boomers can make the most of this unique new stage of emotional development.

Here I summarize most of what I have learned in studying the experience of midlife from the inside out.  I explain what happens to our hearts and minds in combination with being raised in the time of the boomers, and then show how to combat emotional challenges, find love again, and succeed in becoming your best self in spite of the many factors which may work against you.

The ex and other topics to avoid on a date

By Laura Lee Carter in Divorce and recovery, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, Self-honesty and awareness, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love No Comments Tags: , , , , ,

Nerves are often the biggest contributor to awkward first dates and can inspire a range of dating faux pas.  With this in mind, here is a look at some of the worst conversations for any first date, and some tips on how to avoid them.

eharmony pic 2

Managing your nerves    

We all know first date jitters are completely normal and those pesky butterflies are a sign of adrenaline in your system. Nevertheless, they can make you feel a bit like a teenager all over again. It’s important to try and keep these feeling in check, and give yourself the best chance of making a great first impression. This is especially important if you’re meeting in person for the first time after meeting on a site like eHarmony Australia.

When preparing for the date, leave plenty of time to get ready and plan an outfit in advance. This will avoid a rush and help you to walk in feeling confident about your presentation.

When meeting your date for the first time, make a point of smiling warmly when you greet them. If you’re nervous, why not make a joke about it? This will help to break the ice, because chances are they are feeling just as anxious.

Finally, make sure you choose a date location where you’ll really feel at home. If you’re planning on enjoying a meal together, skip loud or formal restaurants and opt for a comfortable, laid back café.

Talking about the ex

If the nerves have set in and there’s a pause in conversation, it’s easy to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Sadly that’s not always the best first date topic.

Your ex-partner is a conversation you should always avoid. By bringing them up it gives the impression that you haven’t moved on and aren’t ready to commit to a new relationship. If your date asks about your relationship past, just respond with the bare facts, such as we divorced 6 years ago. It’s far too early to mention the cause, the emotional pain or any other intimate details.

Avoiding controversy

For a comfortable first date it’s always best to avoid heavy, controversial and awkward topics. If you’re unsure what that might include, think anything on the lines of politics, religion, the death penalty, assisted suicide or your sexual history.

Past dates are another topic to avoid – unless of course you want to share a funny anecdote about a dating disaster. If you’re really passionate about a hobby or a sport, then it’s fine to bring it up, within moderation. But be sure to make it an engaging two-way dialogue and ask your date what they think, rather then lecturing them with your knowledge.

eharmony pic

Good tips for date conversations

Do your best to keep the conversation on pleasant and neutral ground, with topics like your date’s career, hobbies, family and friends. If they ask you a question, always ask them their opinion in return.

Before you arrive, it helps to read your date’s personal profile carefully to find out things like their taste in films and books as well as what their hobbies are. Dating websites are great as they cater to a variety of different people. If you are looking for your own perfect match then online dating could be the option for you, no matter what your age!

Finally, always use your positive body language to show interest in what your date has to say.

This blog post was written on behalf of E-Harmony Australia, and  I did receive payment for this post.

 

 

Watch out for those darn expectations!

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Falling in love, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Psychotherapy Northern Colorado, Renewed faith in love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love No Comments Tags: , , , ,

It only took me forty years to figure out just how tricky expectations can be.  Have you ever noticed that life never turns out as expected?  And if you can finally let go of  expectations, you will never be disappointed.  This goes triple for dating.

what life is supposed to beProbably the main reason I was so successful when I started dating again at age 49, was that I had absolutely NO expectations.  No one could have convinced me to expect the love of my life to turn up at my door on that day back in January 2005.  I was actually just trying to attract more men to my dating service inventory at the time.

Sure I wanted to fall in love again, who doesn’t?  But I certainly wasn’t expecting it!

The problem begins when we get this picture in our heads of exactly what’s next in our lives.  I know, we call that visualizing, and some think it is the best way to manifest what you desire.  There is some truth to that, but please don’t mistake your visualizations for exact expectations.

Yes my new friend Mike, who turned up one day out of the blue, was amazing to me.  But he was also so different than I would have ever expected.  Our educational backgrounds were quite diverse, our interests couldn’t have been more different, and he even looked different than anyone I had pictured myself with previously.

 If I had let any of these “pictures in my head” tell me that this wasn’t like it was “supposed to be,” I would have missed out on the love of my life.

Lesson learned!  Eight years later, I still struggle every day not to let the picture in my head get in the way of my best reality.

What’s happened to love in America?

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Falling in love, Finding love again, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Love and tragedy 2 Comments Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

“Love’s in need of love today, don’t delay, send yours in right away. Hate’s going ’round breaking many hearts.  Stop it please, before it’s gone too far.”  – Stevie Wonder

Gay marriageWhen I listen to the arguments before our Supreme Court this week, I can only wonder how our country ever wandered so far off the path of fairness and righteousness.  I’m sure those in other countries must look at us in wonder too!  Shame on us!

So, let me get this straight.  It is illegal for hundreds of thousands of American citizens to marry the one they love, because a few idiots in Washington or in their state capital told us so.  And if they go to Canada or somewhere else where they can legally get married, it will not be legal in their own country.

These facts are so far beyond simple sexism or racism.  I mean sure, we have a history of being terrible to non-European-Americans and women, but did we ever tell Blacks, Latinos, or Asians they couldn’t get married?

This minority of Americans aren’t asking for much.  They are not asking for “special treatment.”  They are asking for the right to get married, a right that the rest of us all take for granted.

Sometimes I stop and think about how I would feel if the government told me I couldn’t marry the one I love, and share things like home ownership and health insurance with this person.

This injustice makes me wonder what happened to freedom in America?  If we are not free to love whomever we choose, is it any wonder why so many of us have lost our faith in love?

gay-marriage-map-2013

The Path to Self-Compassion

By Laura Lee Carter in Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Psychotherapy Northern Colorado, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-honesty and awareness, Self-respect and love, taking a risk for love No Comments Tags: , , ,

Imagine a world where everyone loved themselves.  Imagine if we all found ourselves to be enough.  I personally believe this would solve many of the world’s problems.   So, where to begin?

First of all, we must get far beyond our cultural obsession with self-consciousness and self-image.  Imagine a world where we all realize that we are each so much more than our self-image.

Can you accept that there is truly nothing wrong with you?  This is the essence of healing the self.

Just for a moment, try to see yourself as whole and complete.  I have always loved this quote from Buddha:

Buddha face very small for blog“No matter how hard one searched, one could not find anyone in the Universe more deserving of love than oneself.”

Can you stop improving yourself long enough to appreciate all that you are?  Perhaps YOU are what you seek.  Perhaps if you stopped improving yourself, your life would improve.  So many gifts remain unopened from your birthday.  Perhaps the only thing missing in your life now is the real you.

The fastest way to improve your life is to accept yourself in all of your humanness.

Ask yourself, “When do I feel like the real me?”

Fill in this blank for yourself:

One way I could be even more authentic right now is _______________.

 

Do you live by faith or fear?

By Laura Lee Carter in Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Midlife love No Comments Tags: , ,

faith and fearLiving out of fear is no way to go!

New research shows you can change and begin to live a more optimistic existence just by deciding that you are tired of always expecting the worst.

I changed my mind and now it works better… and YOU can too!

Decide that great things are coming your way NOW!

Love is out there searching for you.  What are you doing to help it succeed?

 

 

The middle years are rough on relationships!

By Laura Lee Carter in Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, How to believe in love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, self-compassion and love, Self-honesty and awareness, Self-respect and love No Comments Tags: , , ,

Although my new book: Find Your Reason to Be Here: The Search for Meaning in Midlife is mostly about the changes we all go through as we realize we are solidly in the middle of our lives, I do have one section on how midlife relationships change.  Here’s an excerpt:

“It has always been true, and is especially so today, that the middle years can be tough on relationships. In 2010, about 33% of American adults from age 46 to 64 were divorced, separated, or had never been married, compared with 13% in 1970.

One possible explanation for this major demographic shift is that long-married couples often look at each other in midlife and say, “You’re not the person I married,” and they are right.  But that is because they never were.

We human beings have an amazing ability to decide what we want and need in a relationship and then unconsciously project all of that onto someone we have just met. We may convince ourselves quite nicely that this person, whom we don’t really know, is exactly what we want and need right now.  And in online relationships this projection process is even easier to achieve.

On our wedding day, few of us are conscious of the enormous expectations we are placing upon our new love partner, expectations like: “I’m counting on you to make my life meaningful.  I’m sure you will anticipate my every need.  Would you please complete me and make me a whole person?”  Then, over the next few years or decades, we may come
to realize how disappointed we are in this mere human being, who does not and cannot live up to our unrealistic and elevated expectations.

But then, who could?  Did you know that in our earliest love relationships we actually fall in love with the missing parts of ourselves?  If we feel particularly self-critical, we may fall in love with someone who seems to judge us less harshly.  If we feel inadequate in the responsibility department, we may fall in love with someone who seems overly responsible.

What do we do when our loved one disappoints us?  We often blame the person and then move on to other relationships, hoping to find someone who is more perfect, someone perfect like us.

Or, if we are a bit more self-aware, we may do a little emotional excavating to discover those missing parts of our own psyche.”

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