Finding love again

Your to-do list for today

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Finding love again, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Love and forgiveness, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-honesty and awareness, Self-respect and love No Comments

pink love sunsetWhat could you do today that your future self will thank you for?

I decided to give this a bit of thought, and realized there are so many things we could each do to improve our immediate and long-term futures.

First of all remember that what you focus on grows, so be quite conscience of where you place your focus.  Are you focused on what you enjoy or just what worries you?

While I always encourage living in the present, what can you do in this moment that your future self will thank you for?

Live in the current moment and know that’s the only moment you need to handle right now, so give it your full attention.  When that moment has passed, move to the next moment.

Are you still breathing?  Of course you are.  You have just handled one moment.  Are you ready for the next one?   That brings you one step closer to full engagement in your life.

How does your future look from here?  What don’t you see there that you really, really, really want?  Make that missing experience your top priority now.  What small thing could you do today that might bring that goal closer to this reality?

I remember back when I decided my greatest priority was finding ways to believe in love again at age 49.  I realized first I would need to forgive myself for past mistakes.

I started reading everything I could find and listening to the music that would move me in the direction of feeling GREAT about love again.  I even started my own dating service, because I didn’t like the idea of online dating.  And sure enough, I ended up meeting my new love through Match.com!

That is a great story found only in my book!

Love works in mysterious ways, but you have to put some serious effort into focusing on what you want.  Look inside and see what you find.  Do you find yourself loveable?  Would you want to marry you?

I have found that we attract those at the same emotional level as we are when we go in search of love, because love is all about providing mirrors for each other.

So work on becoming the best YOU you can be!

 

Online dating more common, and more likely to lead to marriage!

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Falling in love, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, How to find love again, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love 3 Comments Tags: , , , ,

WiFi BrideMore than one third of recent marriages in the USA started online, according to a study out this week.  It presents more evidence of just how much technology has taken hold of our love lives.

The research, based on a survey of more than 19,000 individuals who married between 2005 and 2012, also found relationships that began online are happier, and less likely to split up than those started offline.

These new findings, published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, set the percentage of married couples who have met online at almost 35% — which gives us our first broad look at the overall percentage of new marriages resulting from online relationships.  About 45% of couples met on dating sites; the rest met on online social networks, chat rooms, instant messaging or other online forums.

online dating kissing miceSociologist Michael Rosenfeld of Stanford University in Stanford, Calif., says the numbers seem “reasonable.”

In his own research, published last year in the American Sociological Review, Rosenfeld said that 22% of newly formed couples had met online, “but couples who meet online are more likely to progress to marriage than couples who meet in other ways.”   His new analysis of nationally representative data found that of 926 unmarried couples followed from 2009 to 2011, those who met online were twice as likely to marry as those who met offline.

This was all true for my husband Mike and I.  We met through Match.com at age 49, and are still happily married at 58!

Learn more about these studies over at USA Today!

 

 

Jay Fleming-Smith on Finding Love Again

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Dealing with lost faith in love, Finding love again, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags:

life is like a book

Please enjoy this guest post today by Jay Fleming-Smith:

Have you lost the will to believe in love?  Maybe you have had a number of bad experiences in your emotional life that made you decide to throw in the towel.  Or maybe you had a terrible break-up, a nasty divorce or a long dysfunctional relationship which finally brought you to your knees.

No wonder you currently feel the way you do!  After all, you are only human.  Sometimes life can knock the wind out of you.  That is just what life does to us sometimes.

My first message is as follows:  don’t blame yourself, don’t let the circumstances bring you down.  Don’t despair!  Better things lie ahead of you!

Before we go into solution mode, let’s focus on the potential outcomes of looking at your life.  You basically have two choices.  The first (and easiest) way of leading your life is to wallow in self-pity, blame yourself and run the risk of getting trapped in the vicious circle of disillusion, which might turn you into a bitter person.  That doesn’t sound very appealing now, does it?  The second avenue you could take is to get up, get going and tackle life with the same vigour, hope and determination like the rest of the world does.

But let me first get back to the former outcome.  It is of absolute importance, before you can believe in love again, to allow yourself to heal.  Whatever traumatic emotional experience you had to endure, everyone needs time to mourn, reflect and heal.  Depending on your circumstances this period might take a few months to a few years.  You will know when your mourning has come to an end.  That said, it is important not to let your grief take over for eternity.

Make up your mind that one day you will pick up your life and move forward.  It is during this time of transition that it is essential to reflect, analyze (but not to overanalyze) and to be kind to yourself.  You are no different from thousands of other people who have gone through a similar experience.

Essentially you are on a journey of reflection and perspective which should slowly lead you to a rekindled form of self-appreciation and self-love!  This voyage does come without a bit of work though.  Increasing your self-esteem will require some discipline.  Good nutrition, regular light physical activity, reconnecting with family and friends and finding your inner peace through meditation are all great ways of getting back on track.

But this is not sufficient!  You will also need to make some changes.  Don’t worry, we are not talking about dramatic changes;  few people have the ability to do this and most people who do change, revert back to their old habits within months.  What I mean is to tweak some bad habits, make some small adjustments on a regular basis until they become engrained in your new lifestyle.

Remember that small regular changes can have very large positive consequences but you need to maintain those small changes!

Once you feel you have come to the end of your journey of mourning and that you have tweaked a few bad habits, you should automatically feel better in spirit and body and exude an image of positivism, confidence and optimism.  And those around you will notice this!

So now you might think that you are ready to start dating again?  Not exactly!  What you now need is a new game plan!  It is a jungle out there and you cannot afford to get hurt immediately after all the good work you have done!  Where to find your significant other?  It is relatively straight forward.  Avoid bars and clubs like the plague, be extra wary of dating sites (it is very time-consuming and can be soul destroying), and be aware that a holiday romance is most of the time just that.

Instead, you need to get back to basics.  Tell all your loved ones, family and friends you are ‘available’ to date.  Go to your high school or college reunion, join a book club, play golf or tennis, in short get out there and go where like-minded people or people of a similar age like yourself tend to socialize.

Finally, be realistic as to what you want to achieve, set your expectations low but be disciplined, focused and optimistic.  And very importantly, don’t be discouraged by any setbacks that might come your way.  We all need a little bit of luck in finding our significant other, but it is only by being social and cheerful that we will meet, attract and find that new found love that you so deserve. In love no  one escapes and neither will you!

Fix your relationshipI sincerely wish this love and happiness to every single one of you!

Jay Fleming-Smith is the author of Fix Your Relationship in ONE Minute

Welcome Happy Spring Flowers!

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Falling in love, Finding love again, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love No Comments Tags: , ,

Spring buddha half sizeThis is what my backyard looks like this morning!  If this doesn’t cheer you up, then you aren’t trying!

We’re having a delayed springtime here in northern Colorado because we’ve had our best snows just in the past few weeks.  We had a record low just two weeks ago!  The trees are afraid to leaf out, but they are finally ready to bloom.

Spring is MY season, the season of growth and renewal!  I love everything about it!  It makes me feel alive again after a long, dreary winter.

Spring is also the BEST time to fall in love!  So get out there and make your dreams come true!  Believe to receive everything you ever dreamed of and MORE!

 

Lovely review of my new book!

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love No Comments Tags: ,

“In 100 pages, with an intriguing bibliography, this is a quick but comprehensive overview of our generation at this moment in the 21st century.  Carter’s telling is at once realistic and optimistic—and her own story is living proof. 

‘Why did I write this book?’ she asks in the prologue of this new book, and then answers with a quote from Joan Baez, a troubadour for our generation:

‘Action is the greatest antidote to despair.’ 

Carter never looks at our generation through rosy glasses.  Her even-handed reporting and clear and compassionate writing help me understand the challenges and opportunities we all face.  Thank you.”                                                      – Carrie Tuhy

 Find Your Reason to Be Here: The Search For Meaning in Midlife is where I share what I have learned from years of research into the psychological legacy of boomers, where the idea of ‘midlife’ came from, and how boomers can make the most of this unique new stage of emotional development.

Here I summarize most of what I have learned in studying the experience of midlife from the inside out.  I explain what happens to our hearts and minds in combination with being raised in the time of the boomers, and then show how to combat emotional challenges, find love again, and succeed in becoming your best self in spite of the many factors which may work against you.

The ex and other topics to avoid on a date

By Laura Lee Carter in Divorce and recovery, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, Self-honesty and awareness, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love No Comments Tags: , , , , ,

Nerves are often the biggest contributor to awkward first dates and can inspire a range of dating faux pas.  With this in mind, here is a look at some of the worst conversations for any first date, and some tips on how to avoid them.

eharmony pic 2

Managing your nerves    

We all know first date jitters are completely normal and those pesky butterflies are a sign of adrenaline in your system. Nevertheless, they can make you feel a bit like a teenager all over again. It’s important to try and keep these feeling in check, and give yourself the best chance of making a great first impression. This is especially important if you’re meeting in person for the first time after meeting on a site like eHarmony Australia.

When preparing for the date, leave plenty of time to get ready and plan an outfit in advance. This will avoid a rush and help you to walk in feeling confident about your presentation.

When meeting your date for the first time, make a point of smiling warmly when you greet them. If you’re nervous, why not make a joke about it? This will help to break the ice, because chances are they are feeling just as anxious.

Finally, make sure you choose a date location where you’ll really feel at home. If you’re planning on enjoying a meal together, skip loud or formal restaurants and opt for a comfortable, laid back café.

Talking about the ex

If the nerves have set in and there’s a pause in conversation, it’s easy to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Sadly that’s not always the best first date topic.

Your ex-partner is a conversation you should always avoid. By bringing them up it gives the impression that you haven’t moved on and aren’t ready to commit to a new relationship. If your date asks about your relationship past, just respond with the bare facts, such as we divorced 6 years ago. It’s far too early to mention the cause, the emotional pain or any other intimate details.

Avoiding controversy

For a comfortable first date it’s always best to avoid heavy, controversial and awkward topics. If you’re unsure what that might include, think anything on the lines of politics, religion, the death penalty, assisted suicide or your sexual history.

Past dates are another topic to avoid – unless of course you want to share a funny anecdote about a dating disaster. If you’re really passionate about a hobby or a sport, then it’s fine to bring it up, within moderation. But be sure to make it an engaging two-way dialogue and ask your date what they think, rather then lecturing them with your knowledge.

eharmony pic

Good tips for date conversations

Do your best to keep the conversation on pleasant and neutral ground, with topics like your date’s career, hobbies, family and friends. If they ask you a question, always ask them their opinion in return.

Before you arrive, it helps to read your date’s personal profile carefully to find out things like their taste in films and books as well as what their hobbies are. Dating websites are great as they cater to a variety of different people. If you are looking for your own perfect match then online dating could be the option for you, no matter what your age!

Finally, always use your positive body language to show interest in what your date has to say.

This blog post was written on behalf of E-Harmony Australia, and  I did receive payment for this post.

 

 

Watch out for those darn expectations!

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Falling in love, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Psychotherapy Northern Colorado, Renewed faith in love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love No Comments Tags: , , , ,

It only took me forty years to figure out just how tricky expectations can be.  Have you ever noticed that life never turns out as expected?  And if you can finally let go of  expectations, you will never be disappointed.  This goes triple for dating.

what life is supposed to beProbably the main reason I was so successful when I started dating again at age 49, was that I had absolutely NO expectations.  No one could have convinced me to expect the love of my life to turn up at my door on that day back in January 2005.  I was actually just trying to attract more men to my dating service inventory at the time.

Sure I wanted to fall in love again, who doesn’t?  But I certainly wasn’t expecting it!

The problem begins when we get this picture in our heads of exactly what’s next in our lives.  I know, we call that visualizing, and some think it is the best way to manifest what you desire.  There is some truth to that, but please don’t mistake your visualizations for exact expectations.

Yes my new friend Mike, who turned up one day out of the blue, was amazing to me.  But he was also so different than I would have ever expected.  Our educational backgrounds were quite diverse, our interests couldn’t have been more different, and he even looked different than anyone I had pictured myself with previously.

 If I had let any of these “pictures in my head” tell me that this wasn’t like it was “supposed to be,” I would have missed out on the love of my life.

Lesson learned!  Eight years later, I still struggle every day not to let the picture in my head get in the way of my best reality.

What’s happened to love in America?

By Laura Lee Carter in Boomer Lit, Boomer Wisdom, Dealing with lost faith in love, Falling in love, Finding love again, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Love and tragedy 2 Comments Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

“Love’s in need of love today, don’t delay, send yours in right away. Hate’s going ’round breaking many hearts.  Stop it please, before it’s gone too far.”  – Stevie Wonder

Gay marriageWhen I listen to the arguments before our Supreme Court this week, I can only wonder how our country ever wandered so far off the path of fairness and righteousness.  I’m sure those in other countries must look at us in wonder too!  Shame on us!

So, let me get this straight.  It is illegal for hundreds of thousands of American citizens to marry the one they love, because a few idiots in Washington or in their state capital told us so.  And if they go to Canada or somewhere else where they can legally get married, it will not be legal in their own country.

These facts are so far beyond simple sexism or racism.  I mean sure, we have a history of being terrible to non-European-Americans and women, but did we ever tell Blacks, Latinos, or Asians they couldn’t get married?

This minority of Americans aren’t asking for much.  They are not asking for “special treatment.”  They are asking for the right to get married, a right that the rest of us all take for granted.

Sometimes I stop and think about how I would feel if the government told me I couldn’t marry the one I love, and share things like home ownership and health insurance with this person.

This injustice makes me wonder what happened to freedom in America?  If we are not free to love whomever we choose, is it any wonder why so many of us have lost our faith in love?

gay-marriage-map-2013

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