Finding love again
I just discovered a new show on TNT called ‘Perception.‘ Have your seen it yet? Very interesting!
Last night the main character, a neuroscientist played by Eric McCormack from Will & Grace, discussed an essential fact to know about how our brains work. Scientists have shown that when it comes to our brains, what we focus on does GROW!
Every time you access a certain memory in your brain, your neurons create more connections to that thought making it ever more accessible the next time.
Here’s how that’s important to your mental health when you break up with somebody. Nobody wants to focus on sad thoughts from your past, but it happens. Like in that great song Someone That I Used To Know:
How does this work? You seek some sort of resolution to the feelings of abandonment and pain, but by focusing so strongly on rejection, you build up more and more connections to negative thoughts. Not good for your mental health!
The best solution? Seek out a good therapist who can help you focus completely on those thoughts until you find a way past your past trauma. Sometimes the solution is Gestalt or some other method which pushes you through the whole experience to the other side with a nice jolt of insight and catharsis.
Whatever you do, don’t ruminate on past, negative thoughts forever. It’s a nasty trap which can ruin your life, causing you to never believe in love again. Don’t let one bad relationship ruin you life!
To learn more about getting past your past, don’t miss my new book: How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust and Your Own Inner Wisdom.
I have to say, I am very impressed with the emotional intelligence of this young writer in her 20s. This list: “20 Things You Need to Accept About Your 20s” is quite useful for those of all ages.
And when it comes to love, truer words were never spoken!
“The first time you fall in love probably won’t be the last. There are different kinds of love and people that will come into your life for different reasons.”
How useful to know this for certain at age 20, instead of trying to “make” everything last.
But my favorite love truth is this:
“When you do find your person, they aren’t going to be perfect. Your relationship or marriage will be hard sometimes. It isn’t about thinking someone is perfect; it’s about knowing that they are perfect for you. You need to marry your best friend, not your “dream” man or woman.
Whenever my husband and I disagree, which has been often since we decided to remodel, sell our home, move and build a new home elsewhere, the stress of all this change has taken its toll on our relationship. At times like these it is so important to remember that no one is always correct or ‘perfect’ but they may be ‘perfect for you.’
How do I know Mike is perfect for me? Because he is someone who totally values what we share together. Therefore he makes it clear that he cares deeply about both of our needs and feelings. This makes it possible for us to get to the other side of an argument feeling good about our decision AND our relationship.
And if you don’t understand the value of that, you have a lot to learn about love!
Many of us don’t believe in love because of our experiences with what seems to be a great love at the beginning, which inevitably turned into a difficult and contentious relationship.
One answer was found by interviewing hundreds of long-married couples about what works and what doesn’t for a long and satisfying relationship. They said the most straightforward answer to long-term love is basic similarities.
I know, conventional wisdom says opposites attract, but when over 500 people who have been married 40, 50 and more years were asked: What is most important for a long and happy marriage? Their advice was nearly unanimous:
There are all kinds of reasons for falling in love. Most common are physical attraction, a great sense of humor, affluence, and that ever illusive ‘chemistry.’
Not often do you hear: We share the same core values!”
However, if you are searching for a long, happy marriage, our elders advise you to find someone whose values align very well with your own. Their version of a “magic bullet” when it comes to deciding: “Should I stay or should I go?” Core values.
I must agree, after waiting until age 49 to meet my match.
There were so many things that attracted me to Mike when we met over nine years ago now, but the many similarities in our core values turned out to be the clincher on this deal.
Trusting and respecting your partners’ judgment is key, and that happens when you know you will have the same take on most value-related decisions!
New research shows many partners lie about what they paid for an expensive new item, hide debt from their partners, and even maintain hidden bank accounts. This is no way to run a relationship!
Don’t be caught unaware like I was in my first marriage. Take an active role in your shared finances and always look at shared tax returns.
When you first meet a new potential partner check them out carefully. Here’s what I did when I first met my second husband:
Consider a background check. If potential employers do it, why shouldn’t you?
Then, if the relationship becomes serious:
If he says he owns his house, go to the public county property records online and see if his name is on the property.
Share all financial records with each other including retirement savings, credit card reports and banking information.
Financial honesty is the basis for all other forms of honesty. If you don’t want to share a checkbook with him, he’s not for you!