Finding love again

Believe in Love Again!

Butterfly side view small 2007Love can be tough when you’re older, divorced and wondering what’s next.  I know I felt relatively certain my “love life” was over at age 49, but I changed my mind when I lost my career a few years after my divorce…

Going only on my own desire to try something completely different, I started my own dating service. There I spent some serious time learning from hundreds of 40+ singles about what it feels like to know that you are far too young to give up on love, and yet fearful that you may be too disillusioned to ever try again. What I discovered is that there are quite a few of us who have lost our faith in love, and that included me!

So I got busy changing my mind.  With my natural stubborn streak and extensive background in psychology, I used decades of personal experience with love and disappointment to turn my attitude around. First I began to finally value my mysterious and yet powerful personal guidance system.  I quit interrupting when it was trying to tell me something important.  Enough “rational” assessments of my situation. What did I want right now?

I also knew I needed to forgive myself for everything in my past, but what was the best way to do that?

Slowly I created a formula which included finding new self-respect for where I was at, appreciating how I got there, and devising various ways to love myself into believing in love again.    I saw how much I feared love, and began searching out those experiences in my past that were keeping me stuck.

My formula included focusing on my own unique shame and trust issues, forgiving myself for past mistakes, listening to my inner wisdom, and utilizing cathartic techniques to change my beliefs about what love might have to offer me now.

My solutions worked for me!  How did I know?  I met the love of my life a few months after I decided to change.

I so hate to watch others suffer, so six years after I met Mike I completed my book: How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom. 

Are you ready to acknowledge that you have also lost your faith in love?  Read my book and then make believing in love again your highest priority! It worked for me… it will probably work for you!

I worked for 25 years as a research librarian before transitioning into my present work as a writer and psychotherapist.  I hold three graduate degrees including one in counseling psychology. Don’t miss my popular blog: MidlifeCrisisQueen.com.

Feel free to contact me for more information or personal counseling at: MidlifeCrisisQueen@gmail.com

Breaking ground in the CO foothills!

This week we have some actual excavation going on on our foothills building site!  YES!

IMGP2739We were up there the other evening at dusk and experienced a magnificent light show!

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We had a lovely home in the suburbs, but Mike always said he wasn’t moving again until we got a view.. well I guess we will get that with our new home!

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I am pleasingly surprised at how much I love the rural life.  When we go up to visit our new home site, I just have to pinch myself to believe this will all be ours!

DSCF0797To each her own, but I feel like one lucky dog!!!

success is the best revengeFrom one miserable, unemployed divorcee to a happily married writer with a bright new life up in those beautiful hills in just ten years… can’t beat that!

 Eat your heart out JOHN…                  You know who you are!

‘Proof of Life’ in online dating

Did any of you see the interview with Nev Schulman on TV the other day?  He has a new book out about ‘catfishing’… which apparently means lying online to get a date.

catfishHere’s the meaning from the Urban Dictionary: ‘A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they’re not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.’

I found this all quite entertaining, because I met my new [and improve!] husband through Match.com over nine years ago. Yes, you have to be super careful out there, and yet I just don’t get how lying to others about who you are will ever pay off!

The part of Nev’s interview I found most entertaining was how some lie with their photos online, by having them photoshopped, etc.  He said the new thing is to ask perspective dates to go have their photo taken with a specific item in their hand, to get a more recent and accurate image.

DSCF0779My mind immediately leapt to those ‘proof of life’ photos from a kidnapping.  You know, where the money won’t be dropped off until they see a photo of the victim, holding a newspaper with today’s date on it… WHAT is the world coming to?

What does your smell reveal?

Bugs do it. Pigs do it… but do we do it?

Would you select your next lover based solely on their smell?

Learn more about pheromone parties and how they work!

ON THE OTHER HAND… hope you didn’t miss this study:

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Robert Mirabal and the power of intention

“You never know what the spirit of intention can do.”  –Robert Mirabal

fort franciscoWe spent a marvelous morning on Saturday at the Native American Celebration at Fort Francisco in La Veta. 

First of all the Fort is a beautiful example of 1800s adobe construction.  Their exhibits are also a wonderful collection of memorabilia from the past century, like a a walk through the homes of the early 1900s.  Old furniture, clothes, and my favorite, photos of people from our past.

Then we enjoyed a dance performance by three girls from the Jicarilla Apache Nation.  The highlight was a performance by Robert Mirabal of Taos Pueblo.  Yes, his music is a wonder, but I also found great wisdom in his words.

Robert MirabalRobert shared with this mostly European-American crowd the history of this area and what it meant to Native Americans.  He explained why his ancestors came up here from the south and kept the trails alive and fresh for others. He spoke of intention in our daily life.

When Robert plays his flutes and sings, it sounds like he is channeling the life and  stories of his ancestors, bringing up vivid imagery of our Native American past.

And in a way, isn’t that what we all do each day, channel our ancestors?  So much of who we are is determined by choices made by our parents and grandparents.

I am honored to be now living on this land where the buffalo roamed, the place where my grandfather hoped to retire.  I feel closer to the land than I have in decades, and I intent to protect this land and its heritage.

Negative thoughts are bad for your brain

I just discovered a new show on TNT called ‘Perception.‘  Have your seen it yet?  Very interesting!

Last night the main character, a neuroscientist played by Eric McCormack from Will & Grace, discussed an essential fact to know about how our brains work.  Scientists have shown that when it comes to our brains, what we focus on does GROW!

Every time you access a certain memory in your brain, your neurons create more connections to that thought making it ever more accessible the next time.

Here’s how that’s important to your mental health when you break up with somebody.  Nobody wants to focus on sad thoughts from your past, but it happens.  Like in that great song Someone That I Used To Know:

Gotye band“You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness…   like resignation to the end, always the end.”

How does this work?  You seek some sort of resolution to the feelings of abandonment and pain, but by focusing so strongly on rejection, you build up more and more connections to negative thoughts.  Not good for your mental health!

The best solution?  Seek out a good therapist who can help you focus completely on those thoughts until you find a way past your past trauma.  Sometimes the solution is Gestalt or some other method which pushes you through the whole experience to the other side with a nice jolt of insight and catharsis.

Whatever you do, don’t ruminate on past, negative thoughts forever.  It’s a nasty trap which can ruin your life, causing you to never believe in love again.  Don’t let one bad relationship ruin you life!

To learn more about getting past your past, don’t miss my new book: How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust and Your Own Inner Wisdom.