Divorce and recovery
Why are you lonely?
I know this probably seems very simplistic, but it is actually quite true.
Somewhere along the line we decide we can no longer risk being open to love, and so we put up a big, sometimes unconscious, wall around ourselves, and then expect others to fight their way through it to reach us.
Guess what? Most won’t bother! And it is your job to work through all the reasons why you built this wall instead of a bridge, if you ever hope to feel true love and intimacy again.
Is that easy? No, or you would have done it by now. This will require some serious emotional work on your part. So how much do you want to feel honest, unconditional love for once in this lifetime?
I decided that was my top priority about ten years ago. I worked my way through my natural urge to build walls, and eventually decided I could risk building a few bridges instead. Then I found true love for the first time EVER at age 49.
Want to know how? I share my own thoughts and process in my book How to Believe In Love Again.
And you thought you couldn’t change…
New research reveals that changing your character or various personality traits, can greatly improve life satisfaction, even more than increases in income or career status…
Learn more about personality changes and life satisfaction!
Online dating more common, and more likely to lead to marriage!
More than one third of recent marriages in the USA started online, according to a study out this week. It presents more evidence of just how much technology has taken hold of our love lives.
The research, based on a survey of more than 19,000 individuals who married between 2005 and 2012, also found relationships that began online are happier, and less likely to split up than those started offline.
These new findings, published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, set the percentage of married couples who have met online at almost 35% — which gives us our first broad look at the overall percentage of new marriages resulting from online relationships. About 45% of couples met on dating sites; the rest met on online social networks, chat rooms, instant messaging or other online forums.
Sociologist Michael Rosenfeld of Stanford University in Stanford, Calif., says the numbers seem “reasonable.”
In his own research, published last year in the American Sociological Review, Rosenfeld said that 22% of newly formed couples had met online, “but couples who meet online are more likely to progress to marriage than couples who meet in other ways.” His new analysis of nationally representative data found that of 926 unmarried couples followed from 2009 to 2011, those who met online were twice as likely to marry as those who met offline.
This was all true for my husband Mike and I. We met through Match.com at age 49, and are still happily married at 58!
Learn more about these studies over at USA Today!
Alone on Memorial Day
I have been single most of my adult life, and I remember holidays as being particularly lonely.
While everyone else seemed to be having get-togethers with friends and family, I often sat alone wondering what’s the matter with me. Why does everyone else have someone to be with on holidays but me?
It was feelings like this that made me want to believe in love again, because holidays seem to be made for families. In fact, holidays helped me decide that my life wasn’t working like I wanted it to. I was still quite clear and happy about my decision to not have kids, but I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere in this world, in some sort of family. This required a new commitment on my part.
So I set about figuring out how I had lost my faith in love as a good thing in life. All roads led back to my first serious love affair in my early twenties. I applied myself to that relationship like none before and after, and all I got was pain and heartbreak, so why believe?
My first step in changing my mind about love was to realize exactly how different I was at age 24 compared to 49. I had learned so much about myself and love since I made so many mistakes and misjudgments in my past. And, more importantly, I loved myself now. I would not be taking anymore crap from anybody!
These types of realistic reassessments helped me see my future in much more positive terms, so much so that soon after that I met the perfect partner for me!
Sure it was a little more complicated than that, and my book How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust and Your Own Inner Wisdom, summarizes the many steps I had to take to turn my world around. My point is, you can change your mind, your priorities, and then change your life.
Now that I have a very small but loving family, I appreciate them every day, including holidays!
What do YOU deserve?
Lately, it seems like everywhere I turn I see friends who suffer from terrible self-esteem.
Why do so many of us feel like we must provide endless services to our family, friends and lovers in order to “earn” the right to be loved?
Where did we learn that love and respect can only be earned? Shouldn’t caring and love from others be given freely?
Here’s are my thoughts….
What normally changes in midlife?
OK, so here’s the scoop. We all want to think we are too smart to make the same mistakes as others when it comes to midlife. That’s your first mistake. Feeling uncertain about what’s next in your 40s is healthy and natural…
Head over to my Midlife Crisis Queen blog to learn more about how to negotiate midlife change successfully!
Welcome Happy Spring Flowers!
This is what my backyard looks like this morning! If this doesn’t cheer you up, then you aren’t trying!
We’re having a delayed springtime here in northern Colorado because we’ve had our best snows just in the past few weeks. We had a record low just two weeks ago! The trees are afraid to leaf out, but they are finally ready to bloom.
Spring is MY season, the season of growth and renewal! I love everything about it! It makes me feel alive again after a long, dreary winter.
Spring is also the BEST time to fall in love! So get out there and make your dreams come true! Believe to receive everything you ever dreamed of and MORE!
Can you change?
Here we have the crux of the matter! I’m afraid most of us don’t even think we can change, but I’m here to tell you it is completely possible to change your mind and then change your life. I have done it a number of times.
For most of us, things have to get pretty BAD before we will even consider finding the energy or outside resources to change our lives. Most of us would rather blame anyone or anything else than ourselves for the mess we have made of our lives.
I know I had to hit a brick wall before I started changing everything. When you do hit that wall that tells you your life is so not working, find the time to sit alone for hours, days and even months thinking about what’s next.
I was 49 when my crisis hit, and so I focused on what I needed to have happen before I died. I spent my time challenging all of my previous beliefs about why I was here. I found very little meaning in what I had accomplished thus far, and so made a solemn commitment to doing everything in a different way.
First I prioritized what I wanted most in my life. My first priority was to find ways to believe in love again. I started my own dating service and met face-to-face with hundreds of other disillusioned midlife singles. We discussed ways we could begin again to believe that love was a good thing, after various versions of destructive divorces.
Through following my intuition and inner wisdom, I eventually met my true love and soul mate, whose love and loyalty was absolute. He believed in me enough to provide me with the financial and emotional support I needed to then change careers. I went from academic librarian to writer, author, and midlife psychology specialist around age 50.
Don’t sit around making more excuses! Decide what you need to happen now and start with small steps today!
Essential Self-Healing
Self-love, self-acceptance and self-respect are where all love comes from. Until we love and respect ourselves, we are not yet ready to give, receive or accept love from others.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself to test your present level of self-love and self-respect:
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Are you willing to accept there is much more to you than how you see yourself now? Who are you without your story, and without harsh self-judgment?
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Can you accept that there is really nothing wrong with you right now?
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Can you see yourself as whole and beautiful? Meditate on that thought.
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Can you accept that you are exactly what you seek in others?
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If you stopped finding fault in yourself, would your life improve?
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Can you accept that perhaps the thing you are missing in your life may be your authentic self? What would it take to let the “real” you come out to play?
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At what times do you feel most like the “real” you?
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Ask and answer this question just for yourself: One way I could be even more authentic right now is ___________________________.
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Daily affirmation: