Codependency

Tired of taking care of everyone but yourself?

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Boomer Lit, Buy local - Fort Collins, Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, Fort Collins writer, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Psychotherapy Northern Colorado, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-honesty and awareness, Self-respect and love, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: , , , , , ,

How’s that working for you?

As we age, we may get tired of taking care of everyone else,  and never getting our own needs met.  Can we learn how to be different?  Can we change?

Only if we’re ready for something different than the same old codependent routine, and finally ready to see life in a very different way.

The most common reason for “helping syndrome” is early childhood training which leads to gigantic feelings of inadequacy when we’re not helping others.  We feel we don’t deserve any of the good things in life just for being ourselves.  That would be selfish.  Instead we should be constantly helping others to earn the right to be admired and loved.  We feel fundamentally unworthy of love without first paying for it with care for those we “love.”

I know.  I spent years feeling inadequate unless I was “helping” everyone around me.  I now appreciate the saying:   “Codependents don’t make friends, they take hostages!” Oh boy, someone new to manipulate into needing me and loving me.  How can I convince them that their life will never be the same until they admit that they need me?

But let’s try a different approach now.  Try to image yourself as completely lovable and adequate just being the wonderful person you are right now.  Could others love you just the way you are?  Why should you have to prove to them you are worthy of their love?

Very scary stuff, huh?  No fooling anyone or manipulation involved.  And if they end up not liking you, so what?  There are millions of others out there who are mentally healthy enough to not want to be manipulated into codependency, masquerading as caring or love.

Now that you’ve taken care of others your whole life, isn’t it time to take care of your own needs for a change?  Isn’t it about time someone showed you how to save your own life?   It takes a lot of courage to admit that past patterns aren’t working and have never really worked.  Do you have the courage to ask for help this time?

You can change your life and finally start receiving love from those who have the ability to give it to you freely, no strings attached.  Please let me know if I can help.

To learn more about a brand new way of life, click here.

To gather wisdom to change your life, check out: Find Your Reason to be Here: The Search for Meaning in Midlife,  Midlife Magic: Becoming the person you are inside!, and the Midife Change Workbook.

Happiness versus Crappiness

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Love and forgiveness, Love and tragedy, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love, Traumatized by love 3 Comments Tags: , ,

In case you feel like you are in the midst of a period of “crappiness,” I do know how you feel.

But I also know how important it is to fight that crappiness feeling.  How is that done?  Here’s how:

Remember first that whatever you focus on grows.  So what do you want to grow in your mind and emotions today?  Are things changing in your life in ways you don’t like?  Use these life-changing events to change your mind!

With unexpected life changes we are sometimes offered unique opportunities to see everything differently, causing us to question anew the entire plan we have laid out for our life.  Maybe we aren’t even aware that we have a plan, until something screws it up.  Sometimes just a scary birthday can help us open up to options we never dreamed of before.

Nothing is scarier than the daunting realization we have not even tried to live up to our full potential.  Sure we did what we were told and found some success in our endeavors.  Being “good” definitely has its rewards.  But do you ever spend time focused on all that you could have been, and then realize that none of that will ever happen?

If you are anything like me, all of these “details” can only be ignored so long.  In midlife we realize time will run out, and when it does, how will we feel as we look back on our lives?

One of the best things about being alive today is that we have a new perspective, we have more time after this realization, and we have the tools and resources to do something when we begin to feel this way.  All we may lack is the courage to dig in and live the dream…

Get creative and find new ways to turn your crappiness into happiness TODAY!  I KNOW YOU CAN!

By Laura Lee Carter, author of How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom.

 

Learning some of the important life lessons: How to relate well with others

By Laura Lee Carter in Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, self-compassion and love, Self-honesty and awareness, Self-respect and love 6 Comments Tags:

There are many lessons we learn about ourselves in relationship as we age.

One of the most powerful realizations is the collapse of our imaginary contract we thought we had made with the universe:      “If I act correctly, things will work out.” 

Slowly we learn this is simply not true.  Sometimes there is no justice.  Sometimes life is not fair.

One of the most important relationship lessons we may struggle with forever, but must finally accept?

Intimate relationships can never be any better than our relationship with ourselves. 

This being the case, what are some healthy goals for mature relationships?

First of all, there can be no more rescuing the other.  We serve the partnership best by becoming more fully ourselves.  You must fully and finally accept that no one else can give you what you deeply want and need.  Only you can.

In other words, that shaming and blaming others because they cannot fix us ends here and now.

We can and should celebrate the wonders of mutual respect, good companionship, and loving support, but in the end, relationship is the sharing of one’s solitude with another.  The transition from outer validation and authority to inner trust and wisdom, is one of the primary tasks of midlife.

Now is the time to realize that no one can magically fill the void within and save you.  Taking full responsibility for your own satisfaction is the task at hand.

“There is no one there to save us, to take care of us, to heal the hurt.  But there is a very fine person within, one we barely know, ready and willing to be our constant companion.”         – James Hollis, in The Middle Passage

 

What happens to marriage in midlife?

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, taking a risk for love, Traumatized by love 1 Comment Tags: , , , , ,

Those who are in midlife and have been married for decades, know that the middle years can be awful tough on relationships.

Many might say to their partner at this point, “You’re not the person I married.”  And they would be right, but that is because… they never were.

Human beings have an amazing ability the make-up in our heads what we want and need in a relationship, and then project that image onto our love object.  We can even convince ourselves quite nicely that this person we just met is exactly what we want and need right now.

On our wedding day, few are conscious of the enormous expectations we have placed upon our love partner.  Expectations like: “I’m counting on you to make my life meaningful.”  “I’m counting on you to anticipate my every need.”  “I’m counting on you to complete me and make me a whole person.”

Over the years we come to realize how disappointed we are in this mere human being, who did not live up to our expectations, but then who could have?  In early love relationships we actually fell in love with the missing parts of ourselves.

What do we do now?  We can blame our spouse, and then move on to other relationships, like so many do.  Or we can find those missing parts and take ownership over our projections, realizing that we are the ones who will have to make our lives meaningful, anticipate our own needs, and make ourselves complete.

This is the true challenge of midlife, the challenge to mature into your second adulthood where you are in charge of all aspects of your life.  We need to let go of all wishful thinking and rescue fantasies, and do our own work on ourselves.

Whether your midlife marriage survives is completely up to you and your spouse.  The true challenge comes from within.

Spend the time to ask yourself:  Can you become an individual who does not blame others for your own unhappiness?

Self-responsibility is tough, but can lead to such a beautiful feeling of liberation!

Laura Lee Carter, author of How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom.

 

Ambivalent Boyfriend Syndrome

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, Lost love, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Traumatized by love 1 Comment Tags: , , , , ,

Ambivalent: mixed feelings about someone or something; being unable to choose between two people or courses of action.

I feel certain just about every woman in the world has dealt at some time with “ambivalent boyfriend syndrome.” You know, that boyfriend who can’t quite commit to you or anyone else.

At first the sparks fly and you fall deeply in love.  But then, when you think things are really going good, they pull back and have a million reasons why they cannot commit to a relationship with you now.  These are the guys that song “keeps me hanging on” were written about!

I know you think this is a test of your relationship, but these are the guys who are actually testing how you feel about yourself.  These are the relationships that come back to haunt you in midlife, when your life falls apart, and you start having out-of control, full-blown rescue fantasies.

No, the white knight is not dead, he’s just gone underground to emerge in your fantasy life when you see no way out.  So you call up that old ambivalent boyfriend and try to convince him one more time that you are a great catch.  You state your case one more time and argue with them, to avoid confronting the real truth.  You feel inadequate and unworthy of true love and acceptance.

NEWS FLASH: Your relationship with that ambivalent boyfriend has NOTHING to do with him, and EVERYTHING to do with your feelings of ambivalence about YOURSELF.

I dealt with my own rescue fantasy at age 49, by calling up the one that got away.  This was a part of my own healing process discussed in my book, and it may need to be a part of yours!

There’s a great reason why he got away!  He didn’t love you, and there’s a very good chance he cannot love anyone.

Take control over your choices, give up on him.  Choose to believe in yourself!  Make a list of just how amazing you are and how much you deserve genuine, authentic, unconditional love and then go get it!

Save yourself now, because he ain’t changing!

By Laura Lee Carter, author of How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust, and Your Own Inner Wisdom.

Are you afraid to receive love?

By Laura Lee Carter in Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, Love and tragedy, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: , , ,

I heard something interesting the other day that rang quite true to me.  A man with some insight into his own behavior was on TV discussing his fears and love.  He said he had no problem loving others, but receiving love was his greatest challenge.

How can this be?  Receiving love and believing in its depth and sincerity is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.  If you feel no love and compassion for your own human struggles, how can you positively receive love from others?

How can you believe your lover who sees you in such loving ways, when all you see is someone unworthy of affection and genuine appreciation.  Your inability to love and accept yourself will cause you to drive others away.

This led to another revelation for me.  This is how many people easily separate sex from love in their own minds.  For them, sex is simply a fun bodily response to the proper stimuli.  While receiving love into your heart is so much more demanding.  Feeling love and receiving the love of others requires genuine human emotions.  It requires a heart-felt response, and also demands much psychic energy.  Sex is so easy compared to having deep, genuine feelings for another.

Amazingly enough, the greatest challenge for most of us is receiving love from others, something we all crave from birth.  And after one or two difficult experiences where we have felt great love but have been rejected by others who have no love for themselves and therefore no love to give, too many of us grow suspicious of love.  We fear being touched by love again.

This can turn into a vicious circle that can only be broken by self-compassion.  Stop being so stubborn, and finally forgive yourself for being human.  People make mistakes, but we can always change and grow.  Acknowledge that you truly are a person worthy of love and affection.  Receive the love of others into your heart.  This is the only emotional process that can set you  free.

How is this done?  Learn more in:   How To Believe In Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust and Your Own Inner Wisdom.

Love does not have to be tragic

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Falling in love, Finding love again, Fort Collins Author, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, Lost love, Love and tragedy, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, taking a risk for love, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: , , , , , ,

Although it is generally the tragic love stories we relish, it’s a whole different story when you have to live them.  Trust me, I know.

Being traumatized by love at an early age can be a setup for years, if not decades for painful memories which can sabotage your future in terms of finding and trusting in love again.

But there is hope to change this circumstance.  Don’t get addicted to the sadness or use it as a permanent excuse to never trust again.                Fight against it!

How?  I have found that re-experiencing the trauma in a safe, cathartic setting can change your perspective on your past.  Trauma specialists know that re-living the traumatic experience either in a Gestalt setting or through other means, can cause your mind to re-integrate the experience in a new and healing way.   It is possible to change past trauma into useful life lessons, because as you re-experience it later, you realize all the new insights and resources you have today that you did not have when you first experienced it.

Here’s an example.   As noted in my last post, I was traumatized by a tragic case of betrayal in my early twenties.   For years after that experience I had no interest in finding love, because I felt certain that it could only lead to more pain.  When I finally understood this fact, I decided the best way for me to change my perception and my feelings was by re-visiting “the scene of the crime.”

It wasn’t an easy decision but I did finally talk to the person who had hurt me so many years before.  In my case, re-visiting my past helped me to fully understand what had happened between us, from both of our perspectives.  This led to a re-integration of reality.  In other words, I learned how to experience my past trauma in a different way, from the perspective of an older, more mature person.  I realized for the first time, that I was actually lucky that things had turned out the way they did for me.

I was also quite fortunate that my past love was willing to talk honestly about our shared past.  He had felt guilty for decades about all of this, and I believe our deep and honest discussions freed him up emotionally as well.

There is the possibility of healing past trauma and tragedy.  Fight for your mental health and to feel GOOD about LOVE again!  For more information do not miss the book I wrote about changing your mind about love: How To Believe In Love Again.

How to stop choosing the wrong partner

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Codependency, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Lost love, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Find real love this time!

While I was putting together our latest Boomers’ Blog Carnival yesterday, I happened to begin reading one of my journals from my early thirties (I’m 56 now).  There I was reminded of how BAD I was at choosing appropriate love partners in my twenties and thirties.  BTW, my forties weren’t great either!

What did I finally learn to change this disturbing trend in my life?  In one word, an unwavering new sense of self-love and  SELF-RESPECT.  My standards were so low for so long when it came to expecting to be treated well by others.  I let far too many people walk all over me, without a clue of how badly I was treating myself!

To change this bad habit you need to stop and think about what you expect from those who care about you.  How do you expect to be treated?  Begin from how you treat yourself.  Do you love yourself and respect your own judgment?  Or do you constantly criticize and second-guess yourself?  One book I found extremely helpful in this regard is: How To Be An Adult in Relationships by David Richo.

Spend time reflecting on how you have been treating yourself all of your life, and where those behavior patterns came from.  Learn what it feels like to finally love and accept yourself, and then you will be so much closer to believing in love again, and finding it this time!

How do you relate to others?

By Laura Lee Carter in Buy local - Fort Collins, Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins writer, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: , , , ,

Could you respond positively to this statement?

I have a circle of friends and family who love and appreciate me for exactly who I am, and not just for what I do for them.

This is a great place to start if you are trying to change how you relate to others.   I speak from experience when I say, always trying to make yourself useful in relationships is a sad way to go through life.  One day you will need to find the kind of love where others appreciate you for the wonderful person you are, and not just for what you can do for them.

I know it may feel very risky to change how you relate to others, and especially  who you wish to be around now.   But please consider honoring yourself enough and having enough self-respect to choose friends and lovers who just love being around you, no strings attached.  Try getting beyond the selfless stance of “earning” friendship and feel worthy of it for once.

Remember:  Codependents don’t make friends, they take hostages!   And who wants to be like that?