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Tired of taking care of everyone but yourself?

By Laura Lee Carter in BAD relationships, Boomer Lit, Buy local - Fort Collins, Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins Psychotherapist, Fort Collins writer, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Love and forgiveness, Midlife love, Midlife relationships, Psychotherapy Northern Colorado, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-honesty and awareness, Self-respect and love, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: , , , , , ,

How’s that working for you?

As we age, we may get tired of taking care of everyone else,  and never getting our own needs met.  Can we learn how to be different?  Can we change?

Only if we’re ready for something different than the same old codependent routine, and finally ready to see life in a very different way.

The most common reason for “helping syndrome” is early childhood training which leads to gigantic feelings of inadequacy when we’re not helping others.  We feel we don’t deserve any of the good things in life just for being ourselves.  That would be selfish.  Instead we should be constantly helping others to earn the right to be admired and loved.  We feel fundamentally unworthy of love without first paying for it with care for those we “love.”

I know.  I spent years feeling inadequate unless I was “helping” everyone around me.  I now appreciate the saying:   “Codependents don’t make friends, they take hostages!” Oh boy, someone new to manipulate into needing me and loving me.  How can I convince them that their life will never be the same until they admit that they need me?

But let’s try a different approach now.  Try to image yourself as completely lovable and adequate just being the wonderful person you are right now.  Could others love you just the way you are?  Why should you have to prove to them you are worthy of their love?

Very scary stuff, huh?  No fooling anyone or manipulation involved.  And if they end up not liking you, so what?  There are millions of others out there who are mentally healthy enough to not want to be manipulated into codependency, masquerading as caring or love.

Now that you’ve taken care of others your whole life, isn’t it time to take care of your own needs for a change?  Isn’t it about time someone showed you how to save your own life?   It takes a lot of courage to admit that past patterns aren’t working and have never really worked.  Do you have the courage to ask for help this time?

You can change your life and finally start receiving love from those who have the ability to give it to you freely, no strings attached.  Please let me know if I can help.

To learn more about a brand new way of life, click here.

To gather wisdom to change your life, check out: Find Your Reason to be Here: The Search for Meaning in Midlife,  Midlife Magic: Becoming the person you are inside!, and the Midife Change Workbook.

Where did Valentine’s Day come from?

By midlifecrisisqueen in Buy local - Fort Collins, Falling in love, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins writer, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Uncategorized No Comments Tags: , , , , ,

Think naked Romans, paganism, and whips…

More than a Hallmark holiday, Valentine’s Day, like Halloween, is rooted in pagan partying.

This lovers’ holiday traces its roots to raucous annual Roman festivals where men stripped naked, grabbed goat- or dog-skin whips, and spanked young maidens in hopes of increasing their fertility, so says classics professor Noel Lenski at Univ. of Colorado, Boulder.

The annual pagan celebration, called Lupercalia, was held every year from February 13th to the 15th, and remained wildly popular well into the fifth century A.D.—at least 150 years after Constantine made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire.

Lupercalia was “clearly a very popular thing, even in an environment where the [ancient] Christians are trying to close it down,” Lenski said. “So there’s reason to think that the Christians might instead have said, OK, we’ll just call this a Christian festival.”

The church pegged the festival to the legend of St. Valentine.   The story goes that in the third century A.D., Roman Emperor Claudius II, seeking to bolster his army, forbade young men to marry.   Valentine, flouted the ban, performing marriages in secret.   For his defiance, Valentine was executed in A.D. 270—on February 14.

Today’s relatively tame Valentine’s Day celebration is big business—with the 2012 holiday expected to generate $17.6 billion in retail sales in the United States.   That’s up from last year’s $15.7 billion, according to an annual survey by the U.S. National Retail Federation.

What makes you come alive?

By midlifecrisisqueen in Buy local - Fort Collins, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Falling in love, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins writer, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love 2 Comments Tags: , ,

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then do that.   Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”       – Dr. Howard Thurman

The popular term “reinvention” suggests some mastery over transition, but does not come close to describing the types of changes some of us are going through these days.   The trick is taking your own crisis in hand, and demanding that it turn into the BEST opportunity of your entire life.

If you should suddenly become aware that what once worked for you, no longer does, I have one piece of advice for you: 

Listen carefully to that still, small voice from within.

Listen like you never have before.  Even if it says things that seem irrational or even crazy.  This is your inner wisdom telling you what makes you come alive.  Don’t try to ignore it or drown it out, because it will just keep hounding you until you pay heed.  Sooner is better than later, especially since you have probably been ignoring this voice your entire life.

Most of us got some heavy messages when we were young to only do well-thought out, practical things, especially when it came to our education or career choices.  Many of us also followed our parents’ practical advice in our personal life, like who we chose to marry and where we chose to live, etc.  Now is the time to finally do what you want.

I found that sometimes my still, small voice made little sense in the moment, but when I followed through with the actions suggested, those actions would lead to other opportunities I could not have foreseen.

For example, everyone including myself thought I had lost it when I started my own dating service after I lost my job as an academic librarian, but I felt strongly that I wanted to do this.  Then, when I found I had more cool women than men in my service, I joined Match.com to attract more men.  The very first man I met this way turned out to be my new husband!

How could I have ever seen that coming?  Finding love at 49 led to the kind of deep emotional support I needed to launch myself as a writer at age 50.  One thing leads to another in mysterious ways sometimes!

You can’t have love when you’re keeping score

By Laura Lee Carter in Buy local - Fort Collins, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Falling in love, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins writer, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love No Comments Tags: , , , , ,

I am reading a marvelous book right now:  30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice From The Wisest Americans.  The first chapter, called “GREAT TOGETHER,” is advice from our elders about choosing the best life partner for yourself.

Lesson one is: Choose a partner with similar core values.   Lesson two is:  The importance of genuine friendship between life partners.

Lesson number three comes from one of my favorite Bonnie Raitt songs:  “You can’t have love when you’re keeping score!”

What does that mean?  One elder put it this way: “The only way you can make a marriage work is to have both parties give 100 percent all the time.”   In other words, you both need an attitude of giving freely within the relationship.  If you start keeping score, you’re both in big trouble!

Another eighty-six year old woman said, “Marriage is not a fifty-fifty situation.  Sometimes it can be 90 percent to 10 percent.   You have to keep giving a lot.  You have to understand where the other person is coming from and give in at times.   There are times when you give and times when he gives — you can’t sit around counting up who gets what.”

Wiser words were never spoken.  And when you feel you have been treated unfairly or you just want to “win” this time, ask yourself, “Do you want to be right or do you want to stay married?”   What are your priorities?

The most important ingredient in a happy marriage? A GREAT FRIENDSHIP

By Laura Lee Carter in Buy local - Fort Collins, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins writer, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Traumatized by love 3 Comments Tags: , , , , , ,

I am reading a marvelous book right now:  30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice From The Wisest Americans.  The first chapter, called “GREAT TOGETHER,” is advice from our elders about choosing the best life partner for yourself.

Lesson one is choose a partner with similar core values.   Lesson two is the importance of genuine friendship between life partners.

This lesson is simple.   Look for a partner you would choose as a friend, a BEST friend!  As one elder put it: “Think back to the playground when you were a kid.  Your spouse should be that kid you wanted most to play with.“

They suggest you consider what you would like in a lifelong friend and look for that in a potential spouse.   Ask yourself, if we weren’t in love, would we still be friends?   When the excitement and passion we all experience when we first fall in love wears off, what will there be to keep us together?

Romantic love is short lived and generally insufficient to maintain a long successful marriage.   The love you think you feel when you first meet is often a mirage, for deep love develops slowly and continues throughout a lifetime.

After the intense physical attraction wears off, will you share similar activities and interests?  Will there be the joy that comes from sharing a similar sense of humor about how silly life can be at times?   What will you be sharing for a lifetime with this person you care so much about now?

Does your online photo reveal GPS data about you?

By midlifecrisisqueen in Buy local - Fort Collins, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins writer 1 Comment Tags: , , ,

According to a new study out of the University of Colorado, some online dating websites don’t remove your GPS data before posting your photo.

Global Positioning System (GPS) chips are embedded in many cell phones and cameras.   Common tools can be used to derive a photo’s camera type, date of capture, whether the picture has been altered, and GPS coordinates of where the photo was taken.

Protect yourselves out there!

How do you relate to others?

By Laura Lee Carter in Buy local - Fort Collins, Codependency, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Finding love again, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins writer, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: , , , ,

Could you respond positively to this statement?

I have a circle of friends and family who love and appreciate me for exactly who I am, and not just for what I do for them.

This is a great place to start if you are trying to change how you relate to others.   I speak from experience when I say, always trying to make yourself useful in relationships is a sad way to go through life.  One day you will need to find the kind of love where others appreciate you for the wonderful person you are, and not just for what you can do for them.

I know it may feel very risky to change how you relate to others, and especially  who you wish to be around now.   But please consider honoring yourself enough and having enough self-respect to choose friends and lovers who just love being around you, no strings attached.  Try getting beyond the selfless stance of “earning” friendship and feel worthy of it for once.

Remember:  Codependents don’t make friends, they take hostages!   And who wants to be like that?

Can you really die from a broken heart?

By midlifecrisisqueen in Buy local - Fort Collins, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins writer, getting past your past, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags:

The short answer is YES!

Learn more over at my Healthy Aging Blog!

What are your chances of finding love this year?

By midlifecrisisqueen in Buy local - Fort Collins, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Falling in love, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins writer, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: , , , , , , ,

So here we go again.   Another dumb article telling the statistical likelihood of you finding love this year.  

Well, guess what, whether you find love is NOT ABOUT STATISTICS AT ALL!  Don’t believe these ridiculous articles and please don’t be discouraged by them.  Whether you find love has to do with YOU and, yes, attitude IS everything!

Whether you find love depends on whether you believe you are worthy, but more importantly it depends on whether you still believe in love.  Perhaps you’ve been through a few really bad experiences with what you thought was love.   Perhaps you have even been emotionally traumatized.

If you have, your rational mind will then automatically alert you when you reach the “DANGER ZONE” again.   It may say, “Don’t believe this experience!” or “Don’t trust anyone ever again!”  And it is mighty tough to find love when your rational mind is working against you every step of the way!

That’s why you need to spend some time forgiving yourself for past mistakes, give yourself some serious self-compassion, and then re-learn the ability to listen to your inner wisdom.   Your intuition or inner wisdom is that part of you that can counteract the power of your strictly rational mind.  Your inner wisdom may help you open to trusting others again.

This may all sound counter to your best interests, but it is actually quite difficult to find love when your own mind is working against you.   I’m sure you are quite aware why you don’t believe in love anymore.   Explore your own rationale for avoiding love.   Question your motivations and find your own personal solutions to your lack of faith.  And if you need some help or encouragement along the way, you might want to check out my new book.

I went from total disillusionment to the love of my life in six months at age 49.   It wasn’t easy, but it was so worth it!

How to find the love you want this year!

By Laura Lee Carter in Buy local - Fort Collins, Dealing with lost faith in love, Divorce and recovery, Divorce as positive personal growth, Falling in love, Finding love again, Finding love late in life, Fort Collins Author, Fort Collins writer, getting past your past, How to believe in love again, How to find love again, love as your top priority, Midlife love, Renewed faith in love, self-compassion and love, Self-respect and love, Stepping outside of your box, Traumatized by love No Comments Tags: ,

It’s that time again.   Time to think about how you want to change your life.

One thing I know for sure, what you focus on grows!   So what is your highest priority for this brand new year we have in store?

Too often we are afraid to even be honest with ourselves if love is what we seek.  Perhaps we fear we will sabotage ourselves by just coming right out and saying:   ”I want to find the love of my life this year!”

I believe that should be EXACTLY your first step towards love.   Say it to yourself, say it out loud, and then yell it at the top of your lungs!   YOU want LOVE and  you want it NOW, and damn if you don’t deserve it too!

After that, make a list of all the wonderful things you have to offer someone else in a relationship.   Focus on the great, fun person you are.  And if perhaps you don’t find yourself as loveable as you’d like to be, consider some step-by-step self-improvement!

I wrote my new book: How to Believe in Love Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust and Your Own Inner Wisdom to help those who truly want to believe again.

We all need a little outside help sometimes to believe that we are worthy of a great love.  We just need to find the power and strength within to believe that we will find a different type of love this time, one that we know we deserve and need so badly.

Don’t sit there alone for another year wondering what to try next.   DO SOMETHING!

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