There are many lessons we learn about ourselves in relationship as we age.
One of the most powerful realizations is the collapse of our imaginary contract we thought we had made with the universe: “If I act correctly, things will work out.”
Slowly we learn this is simply not true. Sometimes there is no justice. Sometimes life is not fair.
One of the most important relationship lessons we may struggle with forever, but must finally accept?
Intimate relationships can never be any better than our relationship with ourselves.
This being the case, what are some healthy goals for mature relationships?
First of all, there can be no more rescuing the other. We serve the partnership best by becoming more fully ourselves. You must fully and finally accept that no one else can give you what you deeply want and need. Only you can.
In other words, that shaming and blaming others because they cannot fix us ends here and now.
We can and should celebrate the wonders of mutual respect, good companionship, and loving support, but in the end, relationship is the sharing of one’s solitude with another. The transition from outer validation and authority to inner trust and wisdom, is one of the primary tasks of midlife.
Now is the time to realize that no one can magically fill the void within and save you. Taking full responsibility for your own satisfaction is the task at hand.
“There is no one there to save us, to take care of us, to heal the hurt. But there is a very fine person within, one we barely know, ready and willing to be our constant companion.” – James Hollis, in The Middle Passage